Dear Carolyn:
I've been in a relationship for three years with a wonderful man. At the beginning, I was deliriously happy. Recently, though, my boyfriend is acting differently toward me — more withdrawn, needing more space, etc. I consider myself a fairly perceptive person, and so I mentioned this to him, suspecting there was just something small we needed to work on. He swears there's nothing wrong. I still think there likely is, but I also realize that continually asking him what is wrong will only make things worse.
But I don't know how to get rid of the feeling of being insecure — and now, when he says no to hanging out, I've started to feel anxious and even a little hurt (which I realize is silly). And he's starting to notice. Help!
— Insecure or Perceptive?
You can be both insecure and perceptive when you notice your relationship is no longer what you count on it to be.
It's also OK to be concerned; in fact, writing off your hurt feelings as “silly” is self-negating. If you're upset over every little thing then, sure, look inward — but your boyfriend has started brushing you off. Why isn't it a given that you'd notice, and hurt?
I'd go further and call it useful. Negative feelings are our alarm system.
Asking your boyfriend was a good way to handle his behavior change — until asking didn't resolve anything. From there, you've chosen to do nothing about your distress except flog yourself. That's unhealthy, and you have the anxiety to prove it (another emotional alarm).
To get onto a more productive path, chuck the self-doubt. You've noticed something, so it's real, so concern is valid.
Next, recognize that a real change in his behavior warrants a real change in yours. Weigh these choices accordingly:
Straight-up acceptance. Change your “I'm going to shut up in case my anxiety costs me the relationship” approach to “I realize something's up, I don't know what yet, but surely I will soon enough.” The latter includes acceptance and self-assurance, and, therefore, a sense of control.
Hedged acceptance. While you wait to see what develops, put to good use whatever time you're suddenly not spending with him. Re-engage with one or two friends you dropped. If your boyfriend is withdrawing for reasons unrelated to you or just evolving naturally out of the shmoopie phase, then renewed interests will help you absorb such ebbs and flows more smoothly. And, if your boyfriend is falling out of love with you, then these interests will help cushion your fall. Win-win.
Straight-up action. Decide for yourself where the relationship stands. He “swears there's nothing wrong,” but you believe his actions and your perceptions more than you do his words — yet, you haven't broken up with him. His words + actions + your perceptions + actions = four big pieces of information. Put them together, and what do you see?
I realize you just want him to either go back to the old way or explain the new one, but, sometimes, people don't grant us that favor, or are themselves too confused to. In these cases, all good options involve trusting ourselves — or learning to, ASAP.
