Ex-etiquette: Make new plans if it's your first holiday alone
Question: I was with my ex for about five years. The last few years were sort of rocky, and we have finally decided to break-up. I have a daughter from a previous relationship who's with her dad this year. This is the first Thanksgiving I am completely alone. My parents live on the other side of the country. I can't afford to fly. I'm all by myself and very depressed. What do you suggest? What's good ex-etiquette?
Answer: Your first holiday alone can be very difficult. Although the holidays are a great time of year, they also have a way of magnifying things emotionally. Lots of “the way it used to be” wishes and regrets, and then January rolls around and many smack themselves and say, “What was I thinking?” Be careful that the time of year doesn't provoke an “I miss you” phone call — unless you need an excuse to talk — then “I miss you” is honest and straight-forward, (Rule No. 8 of the 10 rules of Good Ex-Etiquette for Parents) and the perfect ice breaker if you want to get back together. If you don't, even if it's temporary to get you through the holidays, don't make the phone call. It will just prolong the agony, and it sounds as if you have kids watching.
That said, you don't have to be alone if you don't want to be. Oftentimes, we worry that it's rude to invite ourselves somewhere — and, technically, it is — but it's really how you do it that makes it rude. Rule No. 2 is, “Ask for help if you need it.” Normally, this refers to asking for help when co-parenting, but reaching out when you are alone and depressed is a very healthy thing to do. (You don't have to take the 10 rules literally, just let them be your guide.) Politely make sure that your friends know you have no special plans, and if they can help, you'll get an invitation.
The key is to start a new tradition and see it as something special, something you get to do, and not something you have to do because you're alone. One of the best ideas I've heard in a long time was from a reader who was spending her first holiday alone after her fiance was killed in a car accident two months before Christmas. She was depressed and sick. Like you, her family lived quite a distance from her, and she had no idea what to do with herself. She told me she heard a public-service announcement on TV looking for volunteers to help serve Thanksgiving dinner to the homeless at her local church. She said it was a stretch for her, but she made herself go, and serving those less fortunate really did pull her out of her depression. She has done it every year since and has made great friends along the way.
So don't be afraid to reach out of your comfort zone and get out there, It's only one day, not a lifetime. Happy Thanksgiving.
Readers: Any of you who would like to share your ideas for how to positively spend holidays alone, send them to me via the Ex-Etiquette website. I'll pass them on. Happy Thanksgiving!
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, bonusfamilies.com. Email her at the Ex-Etiquette website exetiquette.com at dr.jann@exetiquette.com.
