Confused about the various slots proposals floating around town? Not certain which one you ultimately would like to see obtain a casino license? Don’t be. Today, I am fulfilling an occasional duty necessary to keep my columnist license in good standing. Several times annually this space is required to be informative and enlightening, as opposed to being merely sensationalistic and sarcastic. So without further adieu, let’s compare the three slots license plans for Pittsburgh. We’ll all be glad we did. Isle of Capri proposal Proposed location: Uptown Local supporter: Pittsburgh Penguins Intent of proposal: To make Isle of Capri billions of dollars on a relatively modest multimillion dollar investment. Positives: Casino would come with a free hockey arena for the Penguins; Duquesne University students would only have to walk a block to gamble. Negatives: Big gaping hole where Mellon Arena used to be after the aging facility is torn down, and Isle of Capri forgets it also pledged to redevelop the lower Hill District as part of its plan. Local sports icon brought in to boost support: Penguins Hall-of-Famer Mario Lemieux (“We’re not trying to blackmail anyone, really, but the team will leave town if Isle of Capri doesn’t get the license. I mean it.”) Harrah’s proposal Proposed location: Station Square Local supporter: Station Square owners Forest City Enterprises Intent of proposal: To make Harrah’s billions of dollars on a relatively modest multimillion dollar investment. Positives: Casino would come with new Station Square condominiums and hotel expansion; U.S. Census Pittsburgh population figures bound to rise as people forever trapped in Station Square parking lots and garages would be counted as permanent residents. Negatives: The Station Square amphitheater would have to be demolished, leaving washed-up acts like Jefferson Starship, Duran Duran and Weird Al Yankovic without an appropriate local venue in which to perform. Local sports icon brought in to boost support: Steelers Hall-of-Famer Franco Harris (“Hey, who needs hockey• Didn’t the Steelers just win the Super Bowl?”) Don Barden proposal Proposed location: North Shore Local supporter: Gateway Clipper Fleet Intent of proposal: To make Barden, a Detroit businessman, billions of dollars on a relatively modest multimillion dollar investment. Positives: Homeless people currently encamped on the proposed location could take full advantage of the development’s casino, restaurants, sports bar, beer garden, nightclubs and amphitheater. Negatives: The Pittsburgh Steelers, who play in nearby Heinz Field, and other North Shore stakeholders would rather have the homeless as neighbors. Local sports icon brought in to boost support: Former Pirates’ offensively challenged shortstop Mario Mendoza (“Hi, remember me?”).

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