A wake-up call regarding sleeping

Question: Is it healthy for my ex-wife to be sleeping with our two preteen daughters in the same bed every night• They alternate weeks between us. The girls have their own rooms at my home, and have no issues.

Answer: The parental bed question comes up a lot. The explanation usually offered is that "the child is having trouble adjusting to the divorce," and it is comforting for them to sleep with a parent.

The truth is, if the child didn't sleep with the parent before the breakup, then the one with the adjustment problem is the parent (who probably did sleep with the other parent before the breakup), not the child. Letting a child sleep with the parent actually could be adding to the child's inability to adjust to his or her parent's breakup rather than adding comfort.

Most professionals recommend that divorced parents not sleep with their children. When you become involved with another, you put your child and your lover in competition with each other.

If you allow your child to sleep with you regularly, your new partner might feel as if the child is invading that territory. When you ask the child not to sleep in your bed, the child might perceive that the parent loves the new partner more. And there you are, right in the middle.

Most parents occasionally have comforted their children after a bad dream by letting them crawl into bed with them, but the key word is "occasionally." When that does happen, try these suggestions to get the kids back into their own beds:

• Make your child's room a comforting, fun place to be. Decorate it as he or she wants. Use glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling that can be seen only in the dark, to emphasize the necessity of turning out the lights.

• Establish a ritual for putting your child to bed. Read a story, make up a handshake or kiss ritual. One reader told her son a joke before he went to sleep. He started, and she would finish with a joke of her own. That way, he was laughing when she left the room.

• Finally, remember ex-etiquette rule No. 9: Respect each other's turf. Talk to each other, listen to each other, and work with your ex in the best interest of the kids. Don't dictate policy; it ultimately will backfire.

Jann Blackstone-Ford, Psy.D., and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents," are the founders of Bonus Families .