Anywhere but Florida, Lord
An Election Day prayer for the Sunshine State:
Dear Lord, have mercy on Florida. Please don't let it happen again here.
Not that we're blaming You for the voting debacle back in 2000. You're not the one who designed the ridiculous butterfly ballots that started the whole mess. It wasn't You who put Katherine Harris in charge and it certainly wasn't You who caused all those silly chads to hang.
And don't worry -- we know You're not the one who stopped the recount and handed the presidency to You-know-who.
During that long, tense November eight years ago, lots of folks prayed for You to make an appearance in Tallahassee, or at least give us a sign. Apparently You were preoccupied with more-pressing disasters and that's OK.
The world is profoundly screwed up and Your to-do list must be as a big as a phone book. There probably was a horrible famine or plague breaking out somewhere at the same time as the Bush-Gore fiasco and You were too busy to intervene here, divinely or otherwise.
All we're asking now -- and we surely don't mean to impose -- is that You keep a wise and watchful eye on us today.
In case You haven't been following the presidential race, many of the pundits are predicting Florida will again play a decisive role in the outcome.
God, we sincerely apologize in advance. After what happened in 2000, we never ever wanted to face another November when the fate of the entire republic depended on the integrity of the voting system.
The possibilities are terrifying. We've got 67 counties, which means 67 chances for shenanigans, careless tabulating or simple machine failure. Heck, they still can't run an election in Palm Beach County without losing boxes and boxes of ballots!
People are so nervous that more than 2 million have showed up for early voting, many waiting in the sun for hours. In theory, filing a ballot this way would allow more days for the counting and take pressure off polling officials who might be unduly ponderous, myopic or technologically challenged.
So, every political season we suffer stoically through a fresh round of "Flori-duh" jokes and the predictable snarky wisecracks from late-night television hosts.
In truth, the 2000 travesty wasn't the fault of our voters. They tried, Lord, they really did. The thousands who accidentally voted for Pat Buchanan wouldn't have made that mistake if the ballots had been designed by a third-grade art class instead of some clever bureaucrat.
Deliver us from scandal, Lord.
Let our optical scanners perform flawlessly.
Let the trucks that carry our precious ballot boxes not be hijacked and later abandoned behind a strip joint.
And let those who count those ballots be pure of character and pretty good with math.
Most of all, Lord, let there be no need for lawyers.
But if, in Your infinite wisdom, You see a need to test the faith of this great country with another electoral crisis, please consider doing it in Virginia or Ohio, or maybe North Carolina.
God, anywhere but here. Amen.
Carl Hiaasen is a columnist for The Miami Herald.
