Children's noises aren't a glorious sound to all churchgoers

We lived about a mile from our church when our second daughter was born. She was a winter baby, just 17 months younger than her sister, and I remember walking to church one January morning, kneeling and letting the tears stream down my face. It was dawning on me just how hard it would be to handle two children, and I asked God for help.

Surely I was pumped up on postpartum hormones. But I also desperately needed my church at that time. This is something I want people to keep in mind as we raise the question of whether parents should bring young children to church.

Parenthood Panel member Julie Irwin initiated the discussion by telling about an unpleasant confrontation she had. She had moved to the back of the church with her not-quite-1-year-old, who seemed to want to move.

"Another woman had an 8-month-old back there, and the two babies were checking each other out, patting heads and stuff like that," writes Julie, whose husband was six pews away and did not hear any baby noises.

"All of a sudden, this man came over and asked us to go outside because we were disturbing the whole back of the church. I went up to him afterward and said they weren't being at all disruptive," Julie writes. "I told him that they were too young to go to child care and there was nowhere else to take them, and his wife said, then I should just stay home. I told her I wasn't about to stay home, and they sort of stormed off."

Julie says her litmus test is noise. If her kids are crying or screaming, she removes them from the church. If they just want to explore a little or wave paper around, she stays.

Most parents on the Parenthood Panel, who contribute to this column, agreed with that demarcation. Perhaps if I ran the question past a panel of senior citizens, the answers would be different. Instead of discussing when they would leave a church service, though, parents on the panel turned their thoughts to what brings them to church and what makes them feel welcome.

I know there are a good number of people who do not welcome parents and children, be it in a restaurant, department store, church or small shop. Many have written to me complaining that parents are obnoxious, with their big strollers and demands that grocery store magazine racks be rated "G." Too much of America is tailored to children, they say, and they want to enjoy a quiet life separated from them.

But we must make an exception for churches. I am most familiar with Christian churches, but I believe that most faiths encourage families and view parenthood as an essential, blessed vocation. I understand that Wal-Mart does not want women nursing their babies in the store -- an objection that is really code for disapproval of modern parenting standards. But a church• This is the one place where we should all find acceptance. Jesus said that when you are kind to another person, you are being kind to him.

So, what's with the glaring at parents already?

Jennifer Meliton, another panel member, says her pastor gets it. If there is a day when kids are particularly rambunctious, he will stop and say, "Listen -- isn't that a great sound• That's the future of our church. It's kids being kids."

Parents feel warmly welcomed, but they also know that if their kids act up, the pastor might draw attention to them. "They are more apt to keep the kids quiet," she writes. "It's a win-win-win."

Other parents swear by a separate toddler room or separate Sunday school classes for kids during services. The parents don't get anything out of a service when they are forced to shush kids the whole time. "Making Hannah sit quietly is like trying to get my cat in a bathtub -- she just won't do it," writes Sarah Tu of her 2-year-old.

A very sensible Parenthood Panel member, Stephanie Lewand, offers this advice to people who are bothered by children in church: "Sit closer to the front, where you'll be more likely to hear what's coming from the pulpit and less likely to be distracted by children."

To parents, she says, "I feel it's important to have the children with us, but I also think there's definitely a line to draw. I try to strategically find a seat where I can make a quick exit to the hallway if necessary."

Amen to that.