Comfort, safety in telling secrets to strangers

I've never told anyone this, but ...

Hairstylists often hear phrases like this, along with "I've got to tell somebody this," and "Can I tell you a secret?"

"I've gone through every divorce," says stylist Jeff Reitz of Philip Pelusi hair salons. "I end up being a psychologist in many ways."

Sometimes, professionals like hairstylists -- or bartenders or cab drivers -- become confidants for people, even more so than family and close friends. Reitz and his colleagues say they have heard it all: affairs, struggles with infertility or sexual orientation and fights with loved ones.

Whether it's an ongoing professional relationship with a stylist -- or a one-time, almost anonymous meeting with a cabbie -- people often find safety and comfort in talking to other folks who present little to no risk for drama, judgment or rejection. It's one thing to vent to your spouse about frustrations with your kids or in-laws, but quite another to talk to an objective, sympathetic person outside of your family and close friends. It's the safety of a low-risk disclosure, experts say.

And, let's face it: Sometimes your family and friends get sick of hearing about an ongoing problem in your life.

A stranger, or someone with whom one has a professional relationship, "isn't emotionally invested ... so they can be more impartial and objective as far as the advice they give," says Jodi Buzzell, a therapist and outpatient coordinator for Family Services of Western Pennsylvania.

Buzzell, whose office is in New Kensington, says confiding is easier with people with whom you have an ongoing professional relationship because it's "an acquaintance type of relationship, and it's not someone that you have to see every day."

Does confiding in professionals and even strangers mean something is amiss in your personal relationships?

No, not necessarily, Buzzell says. Everybody has secrets, and everyone needs people to vent to -- and even with family and friends available, neutral parties offer their own benefits. This would become a problem, though, if people are talking about secrets that could harm them -- for instance, struggling with depression -- and they need to get professional help rather than just venting to a manicurist.

Sometimes, people vent to strangers -- like while stuck in a waiting room at a mechanic's garage.

"You figure you're never going to see them again," says customer MaryJane Kolic, 57, of Sewickley.

Allen Bennett, 49, of East Pittsburgh, has heard many intimate disclosures in his 10 years as a driver for Yellow Cab. On a recent ride to the airport, a young passenger shared that he was headed to Florida to enter a drug rehabilitation program. His friends were dying from the drugs, his passenger told him. Bennett commended him for seeking help.

Sometimes, couples argue in his cab and ask him for advice. Other times, people who have been drinking, having lost their inhibitions, will unload secrets. They have a sympathetic cab driver in Bennett, who used to be a counselor at a church.

"You don't know anybody that they know, you don't know their name, so they're more apt to share things with you," Bennett says. "A lot of times, people just want you to listen. Nobody has all the answers."

Reitz says people feel confident that their secrets are safe with their stylists, and that they won't face the judgment they might get from a friend.

Stylist Lisa Krszal of Robinson says she had many longtime clients, and they, naturally, feel a personal bond, even though she is performing a paid service.

"They can talk openly and honestly," she says. "They become an extended part of your family. We do see a different side of people."

Joanne Riggins, of Monroeville. a stylist since 1973, has heard plenty working with some clients -- then their kids and grandkids.

"I keep thinking I'm going to write a book one of these days, changing the names to protect the innocents," she says. She and her colleagues listen and sympathize, but typically don't give advice. "I think people need to come in and vent."

Elizabeth Sanford, 64, of Churchill, says she enjoys confiding in Riggins while she gets her hair done. "They have the professional distance," she says. "We commiserate."

Stylist Joe Stiefvater of Bellevue hears some pretty interesting stories, too, about husbands, wives, ex-spouses and more. People often are seeking validation, he says: "Somebody to at least agree with your viewpoint."

With alcohol loosening his customers' tongues, Vinnie Mercurio -- a bartender for more than 50 years -- has heard some dramatic confessions. One young man, distraught that he caught his girlfriend with his best friend, talked about killing himself, but Mercurio didn't think he was serious. He was: The man shot himself that night.

"I felt horrible," says Mercurio, 70, of Lower Burrell, who tends bar at Tarentum Station Grille.

"The weird things people tell you," Mercurio says. People often ask him for advice: At the bar, even attorneys have asked him for legal advice.

"I tell you, I should have been a doctor," he says.