Delivering letters, bills and bees

In addition to loads of letters, bills and credit card advertisements, the postal workers and overnight delivery drivers who work our route bring chicks, seeds and bees.

Yes, bees.

This week, the boss perused the last of this year's 7,000 or so seed catalogs, putting together her wish list of what we're going to grow and, hopefully, eat. Soon the seed packets will arrive and the cycle of food will begin again.

I peered from behind her shoulder and played Armchair Farmer, second-guessing her choices of burpless cucumbers and mammoth tomatoes. I was soon reminded that my job (according to the contract I signed while hypnotized early on by her beauty) is to merely dig the holes and move the heavy stuff while she does the deep thinking.

It's a battle plan that's worked for a long time now.

While kibitzing, I took notice of an ad in one of the catalogs. Tucked near the last pages of the Territorial Seed Company spring 2010 catalog was an appetizing notice.

"Canned Bees Starter Kit" read the ad. "Perfect for the beginning orchardist! This charming starter kit contains 20 bees in a 2- by 7-inch canister. Each bee canister is a complete and compact bee home that holds 19 nesting tubes. This is a great way to get started with bees!"

A company offering bees in a can, a portable bees' nest, delivered, will motivate one to reach for the nearest credit card without delay.

I understand the concept. You need bees if you grow fruit trees. Why depend on the natural process of pollination when you can buy some buzzers and bend the rules to favor your fruit?

I'd like to relieve our neighbors of any stress by promising here, in this public forum, that I have not decided to try my hand at beekeeping. I'm not a fan of bees and, to be honest, am not all that crazy about honey. Furthermore, the few fruit trees we've planted have produced without the help of an imported helper swarm, delivered right to our door by the unfortunate postal carrier.

That doesn't mean I'm not going to buy a couple of canned bees starter kits.

How I use them is my business.

The folks at Territorial Seeds were aiming their mailed nests toward fruit growers. I wasn't thinking of apples when I saw the ad, though. Instead, I was contemplating a small list of people I'd like to send a can of bees.

You see• Sometimes more obvious features can usurp a product's original intent (Viagra was once marketed as a blood-pressure pill).

Bees in a can!

Everyone has an ex-boss who'd just love some bees. Receiving 20 or so buzzing demons would be a nice reminder to an ex-wife who took half of everything.

Mother-in-Law's Day is coming.

It's much more interesting to deliver the mail in our neck of the woods.

Now what should I write on the card?