Question: My ex and I broke up months ago, but we still hang around with the same friends as we did when we were together. My best friend is living with her best friend, and they are having a New Year's Eve party. I want to go, but I really don't want to deal with the ex and her new boyfriend. My friend doesn't know who to invite -- me or my ex. What's good ex-etiquette?
Answer: After friends break up, friends often agonize about which friend to support, especially if one or the other has been a longtime friend. But, it's really not their problem. Good ex-etiquette dictates that if friends of the former couple wish to remain friends to both "exes," then both "exes" should be invited to their party. The host then informs both that the other has been invited and if he or she wants to attend, it is up to them.
It is implied, however, that if exes do attend the same party, they should act like grown-ups and not cause a scene. No obvious hate stares from across the room or gossipy drama broiling behind the scenes. If that sounds like a challenge you're not up to, stay away. Respect the home of the people who have invited you.
We see a huge red flag here. Emotions run high during the holidays. New Year's Eve parties often mean alcohol, and alcohol and exes rarely mix well. Plus, your ex is bringing her new boyfriend to the party. If that's going to be difficult for you to handle, consider spending the holiday with another group of friends or even family this year. Be aware that if you do drink, there's increased potential for craziness, so again, out of respect for the host and hostess (and yourself), stay on top of how much you consume. If you see that your ex is consuming more than usual, do not attempt to regulate what she does. Good ex-etiquette suggests that her new boyfriend is there and if you get involved, there's sure to be drama. And drama potential can create the need for a quick exit, so make sure there's a designated driver nearby.
Couples who have broken up often attempt to reconcile during this time of year, only to find around March or April that the problems that broke them up still are there. Problems rarely just go away. It's a new year, so consider this an opportunity to contemplate how you will create the relationship you want the next time.
And, finally, good for you for not expecting your friends to choose between you and your ex. That would be very bad ex-etiquette. Happy New Year!
