Early etiquette classes teach social graces in a real-world setting
Once upon a time, manners and standards of behavior were codified, with parents responsible for teaching their children how to act.
As American society started to become more casual in the 1960s, the formula changed. Traditional manners were abandoned or downplayed in many homes, a situation that has changed in recent years.
The only problem is that many of today's parents, who didn't learn much about etiquette at home, aren't sure what or how to teach their own children. As a result, the number of courses that teach young people to mind their manners has been growing nationally and locally.
"People forget there is no such thing as etiquette genes. Unless you're taught, you don't know," says Michelle Goodman, of the Michelle Goodman Studio in Pittsburgh, a center that teaches etiquette classes to young people and adults.
"It's a pity that manners are not taught before," says Nicole DeVault, vice president of marketing at New York City's Plaza Hotel, whose Young Ambassadors Program hosts children in its Eloise Teas and teens in its more advanced classes on dining and business etiquette.
"It was so successfully accepted," she says. "We were thrilled to see that it made a difference."
Such programs target children as young as 3 and as old as college graduates. While some have a more formal structure, all concentrate on teaching basic social skills such as the proper way to eat, act on a date and engage in polite conversation, and how to be a good host and guest. The goal is to enable young people of any age to be confident and comfortable in social situations.
JUNIOR HIGH COTILLION
"I moved to Pittsburgh from Charlotte, and Janice moved here from Omaha, both areas that had cotillions," Harrison says. "We thought it was a shame there wasn't one here (in Fox Chapel) and decided to start one."
In addition to teaching the social graces, including table manners and ballroom dancing, the cotillion benefits All of Us Care, a nonprofit organization that promotes safe schools and healthy communities throughout the Fox Chapel Area School District municipalities, with proceeds from the event's $200 tuition.
"The turnout has been phenomenal, and we're thrilled. We hoped to have 50 students and ended up with 72," Harrison says. "The parents seem so appreciative. They see it as a service for their children to be able to come and learn social skills."
Rules for participants include a dress code requiring girls to wear school or Sunday dresses or skirts and blouses with low-heeled dress shoes. Boys must wear suits or sports jackets with trousers, ties, long-sleeved dress shirts and dress shoes.
Preteens are at the ideal age for such a program, Harrison says.
"Their social lives are picking up, and they are conscious of doing things with friends," she says.
The cotillion consists of nine dance classes and a dining class, which covers proper table manners and behavior at a formal dinner party. The dinner class teaches the students how to be a good guest, the responsibilities of a host and how to make polite conversation.
The dance classes cover a wide range of social skills, including introducing themselves and other people, asking someone to dance, and making polite conversation on the dance floor. Each dance class includes a punch-and-cookie break that gives the boys and girls the opportunity to socialize. The sessions end with a receiving line the students must negotiate as they leave the room to meet their parents.
Dance instructor Howard Ziegler, who has conducted such classes for more than 35 years, including the Mt. Lebanon cotillion, incorporates etiquette reviews into each class.
As the students dance, Ziegler and fellow instructor Linda Plowman work the room, correcting posture and positions.
"Remember, the lady doesn't go until the gentleman starts to dance. Ladies, don't anticipate," he warns. At Ziegler's word, those not dancing cut in - properly, of course.
"Everyone gets a chance to dance each class," Harrison says. "The children pick up wonderful social skills. It's like baseball or soccer ... the more you practice, the better you get. You can tell the difference in the children as the cotillion goes on.
"It's a good experience. They feel confident with themselves and dealing with others. They learn skills that will last throughout their lives."
Rick Graybill, a student at Dorseyville Middle School, agrees. Although just 12, Graybill, who is Harrison's son, is a cotillion veteran.
"I used to go to one when we lived in Charlotte, and at first I didn't want to go, but it was OK," he says. "My mother started one here, and I like it, because I'm going with friends from school and my neighborhood. It's fun."
EARLY ETIQUETTE EDUCATION
The unit, for children ages 3 to 5, was the result of parents' requests.
"The parents asked for it. They were concerned about their children's social behavior," says Watach, noting that children will model behavior they observe.
The 10-week program consists of learning one specific manner per week. Students draw pictures of the manners they are learning, and student teachers demonstrate the manner at playtime, such as setting the table for dolls with paper cups and plates.
"We work a lot on eating-related manners," Watach says. "One of the first lessons they learn is the most basic: how to wash your hands before eating. The 4-year-olds can be so neat."
The culmination of the manners unit is a formal luncheon held in one of the university residence halls. The children dress up for the occasion and are seated at tables of six. They are expected to remember to converse with the student teacher seated at their table.
"They learn that everyone should be included in the conversation and are always excellent about it," Watach says. "It all comes down to learning a simple respect for people and things, which are lifelong lessons."
MODEL BEHAVIOR
Goodman covers dating etiquette, which, to some, seems like ancient history. Goodman encourages young people to practice these manners in advance, so they will be comfortable and confident using them.
Goodman, who visits more than 100 high schools per year in her work as a part-time recruiter for the Bradford School, doesn't just list dos and don'ts but explains the traditions behind the rules.
"I discuss the history and why we do things," she says. "The teachers will tell me that there is a lot of information about manners that they didn't know."
Goodman also conducts workshops on business dress. "Appearance in the workplace is just as important as table manners," she says.
It is an observation shared by Dr. Bruce Russell, dean of the College of Business, Information and Social Sciences at Slippery Rock University, one of the local colleges to offer a seminar on manners of the business world. Others include Chatham College, which offers separate workshops on etiquette and business dress, and Lehigh University, where the focus is on behavior at arts events.
"Students come through high school and college and are not aware of the implications of their actions," Russell says. "They learn that the world has wholly different expectations regarding their language and appearance. They really haven't given it any thought."
The program includes a seminar in which students participate in mock interviews.
"It introduces them to the process and lets them ramp up their skills. The students' performances are critiqued," Russell says. "They learn that if they don't present themselves well here, they won't get in to present themselves in the real world."
START YOUNG
"Some teenagers come in angry, but by the end they are ecstatic," she says. "What they don't know can intimidate them, but they realize they are being empowered and know how to behave in any banquet room.
"The teens often end up in lively discussions at the table because they've come to understand the value of what we are teaching them."
| Good behavior begins at home, authors say |
Good manners run in Cindy Post Senning's family.
The great-granddaughter of Emily Post, Senning, along with sister-in-law Peggy Post, is the author of "The Gift of Good Manners: A Parent's Guide to Raising Respectful, Kind, Considerate Children."
The book addresses more than teaching children good manners. It also speaks to the importance of parents' behavior and actions in raising their children.
According to Senning, there are two basic premises parents should keep in mind when teaching manners to their children:
"Behave the way you want them to behave, and know what (behavior) to expect," she says.
"The Gift of Good Manners" and its author stress that respect, for one's self and for others, is the underlying basis of good manners.
"When taught a basic attitude of respect, children can learn anything," she says.
The book is divided into six parts by age, from toddlers to teens. "The Gift of Good Manners" details how a small child learning basic manners such as saying "please" and "thank you" can develop into a polite and thoughtful teenager.
"The biggest concern among parents is that they're nagging when teaching their children manners," says Senning, who has a doctorate in education and is involved with The Emily Post Institute in Vermont.
"I remind them that, like any other skill, learning manners takes repetition," she says. "Believe it or not, children will get it."
While life at home is more informal and casual, that doesn't mean basic manners should be ignored, Senning says.
"Things like talking with a mouth full of food, flopping your arms all over the table, or barging into the bathroom are not OK at home or in the outside world," she says.
"We should be living manners at home. Kids are confused if they receive mixed messages."
