Listening to the Flight 93 cockpit voice tapes would only add to the pain Jack Grandcolas endures each day after losing his wife in the hijacked plane that crashed in Somerset County.
So, when as many as 100 family members of the victims gather in New Jersey today to listen privately to a tape recording that will reveal the cockpit sounds during the flight's final 30 minutes, Grandcolas will take a moment in his San Rafael, Calif., home to remember his wife, Lauren.
"It's all very difficult, obviously," Grandcolas said. "But to go back and relive those final moments of what amounts to murder is not going to provide me with the comfort and healing I'm seeking.
"I know I don't want that audible embedded in my brain every time I hear an airplane fly overhead or see the date '9-11.'"
The FBI cautioned Grandcolas and other family members the tape contains a lot of loud and awful sounds, which is a memory Grandcolas wants to avoid. Lauren Grandcolas, 38, a saleswoman for Good Housekeeping magazine, was returning from her grandmother's funeral in New Jersey when the hijacking occurred.
Grandcolas prefers to recall her voice — the voice he heard on their answering machine that day, using a cell phone to call from aboard United Airlines Flight 93 moments before it crashed in Shanksville. He remembers her poise and bravery, and how she then offered her phone to another female passenger, urging her to also call her family.
"That's where my focus is and what I try to remember," he said.
The FBI's decision to play the tapes bucked past policy by federal aviation agencies that prohibits the public release of cockpit voice recordings, which pick up sounds such as crew members talking and often are used by crash investigators trying to determine the cause of airline accidents.
Today, the FBI will play the tapes at least twice during a morning and an afternoon session in Princeton, N.J., according to FBI spokeswoman Sandra Carroll. The tape could be played more than one time in each session, she said.
The FBI does not know exactly how many family members will attend, but officials invited up to five relatives for each of the 40 victims. More than half have responded, Carroll said.
| Official count |
| Official count of victims of Sept. 11 attacks in New York, Washington, Pennsylvania NEW YORK: 2,824 World Trade Center: City officials say 130 are missing. The medical examiner's office has issued 959 death certificates. An additional 1,735 death certificates have been issued without a body, at the request of victims' families. Includes all passengers and crew on hijacked planes: American Airlines Flight 11: 92 United Airlines Flight 175: 65 WASHINGTON: 189 Pentagon: 125 American Flight 77: 64 passengers and crew PENNSYLVANIA: 44 United Flight 93: 44 passengers and crew T OTAL: 3,057 As of Monday, an Associated Press list of Sept. 11 victims included 3,022 names. Unlike the official count, the AP count does not include the 19 hijackers on the four planes. The AP list is based on information collected from the Defense Department, medical examiners, the courts, AP foreign bureaus, companies, families, member newspapers, funeral homes and places of worship. |
"Since we learned of our mother's death on CNN, we didn't also want to hear this recording that way," said O'Hare, of Danville, Calif. "It was just too traumatic. This would, emotionally, give us some heads-up. This way, we get to hear the whole thing and put it into context."
Part of O'Hare's fears are rooted in the possibility the cockpit tape could become part of the public record during the government's case against Zacarias Moussaoui, who has been charged with conspiring with Osama bin Laden and the al-Qaida network to kill thousands of people in the Sept. 11 attacks in New York City, Washington, D.C., and Somerset County.
After listening to the tapes, family members can choose to speak with a grief counselor, some of whom have gone through similar experiences and are affiliated with the National Air Disaster Alliance.
"We were invited to be with family members who want to talk," said Gail Dunham, the group's president. "The people who are telling them what to do haven't walked in those shoes."
The decision to play the tapes has upset some, such as airline pilots, who say the recordings should remain private out of respect for the victims. Dunham disagrees.
"It's personal, and everybody should be able to make that decision for themselves," she said.
Grandcolas made the decision not to listen early on. "I just hope they decide to keep what they hear private," he said.
So, while the tapes play their loud and disturbing sounds in New Jersey, Grandcolas will think more peaceful thoughts from his home in California.
"I'll probably try to do something healthy, get a workout in, concentrate on my business and take a moment to think of my wife," he said. "I'll just try to make it through another issue. Every day is difficult enough."
