It isn't too late to take back some of those Valentine's gifts.
Some might raise the stakes too high. Take one book I saw last weekend, Gregory E. Lang's "Why I Love You."
It has artsy photos with captions such as "I love you because you're not afraid of commitment."
To sum up the male reaction: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
On the other hand, don't take it too lightly, either. At one store, I encountered a special display of men's knit boxers, portraying the Simpsons, Scooby Doo and SpongeBob SquarePants.
Ladies, I just don't think giving a guy cartoon undergarmets like that will contribute much to a romantic evening.
Don't attempt to delve too deeply in the minds of your sweetie. Take a store in SouthSide Works that has all the latest gadgets.
It had a motorized tie rack. Glasses for finding lost golf balls. A power tool for men's nails that traps flyaway clippings.
It appeals to corners of the male psyche that men themselves can't fathom. It had, for instance, an automatic watch winder -- for self- winding watches.
So you think, but if a watch is self-winding ...
Stop. That way madness lies.
Moving along, don't forget proportion. One store proclaimed in its windows, "Give her sexy."
Guys, it's better to give her subtle. And speak her English, while you're at it.
Be realistic. For instance, USA Weekend magazine wrote about romantic things. Model Heidi Klum, married to singer Seal, said she finds her husband's pajamas romantic. "Sometimes he's in his pajamas all day. I love that."
Fellas, don't even think about that until you're a music superstar. The real reaction to a man in his p.j.'s all day: "You lazy bum. When are you going to get a job?"
As for greeting cards, I used to write them. All possible combinations of sincere words for the holiday have been used over and over. As for the witty ones -- be witty the other 364 days.
In short, I went with the flowers and chocolate and a card with a nice picture on the front and, I hope, a few suitable words scribbled inside. Stick with the classics, that's my advice.
And I've got to get back to that gadgets store. It had this "Sopranos" pinball machine ...
