Iris Layman says that her daughter, Jennifer, holds up better than she does at funerals, and helps Layman cope.

Layman, 73, of McCandless, first took her daughter, now 36, to a neighbor’s funeral when she was about 9. It was the girl’s first time seeing someone laid out in a casket and all of the mourners. Layman says she was concerned that Jennifer, who has Down syndrome, might have a harder time with it than other kids. Yet later, when her grandfather died, Jennifer seemed to have a sense of peace at the funeral, because her mom told her that her grandfather was in “a happy place and a beautiful place.”

“When we did take her, she did rather well, I think, because I explained to her that she’s going to be with grandpap again, and there’s no more pain and no more suffering,” Layman says.

“I think that’s what you need to instill in a child,” Layman says.

When a loved one dies and a funeral is coming, adults feel grief, stress, fear and confusion. How, then, does a child experience the trauma• Should parents bring their kids to a wake and funeral, and if they do, how do they prepare the children for the experience?

No rigid, universal rules apply to children and funerals, experts say. It depends on the child’s age, emotional state and the relationship to the deceased person.

“Parents have to know their own child; they do know their child best,” says Ellen Hollon, a child life specialist who lives in Irwin. “I don’t think there’s a magic answer.”

When the deceased is someone close, like a grandfather, rather than the boss’ wife, for instance, and the children don’t object, they usually should participate in the mourning rituals and attend the funeral, experts say.

Terese Vorsheck, director of the Highmark Caring Place, which is a center that helps grieving children and families, says parents and children should discuss whether the children want to attend the wake and funeral, and the child’s wishes should be respected. If children do go, parents must prepare them by explaining what they will see, and by answering questions ahead of time.

This is especially true if the casket will be open, Vorsheck says. Some people feel that this image is too traumatic for children and will give them nightmares, but others say it gives them the chance to say goodbye. Adults need to explain that the body is just a body, and not the person who died. They should explain that the body will be cold to the touch. At the burial, they should explain that the deceased person is not hurting, and doesn’t feel anything.

“Part of what makes it so shocking for the child is, obviously, they don’t know what to expect,” she says. “I know those are difficult conversations, but just prepare them for what they’re going to see.”

Last year, Sharon Arce’s father, Joe Bosman, died unexpectedly from a heart attack. He collapsed in front of Arce, her two children — Alyssa, now 9, and Alexis, now 5 — and some other family members. The sight was traumatic enough for the kids, so Arce and her husband, John, decided to take them only to the funeral Mass and not the funeral home.

“We wanted the girls to remember him as a happy, funny … grandfather that played out in the yard with them, and that took them for ice cream,” says Sharon Arce, 40, of Cheswick.

She told her kids that their grandpa is now an angel, and although they can’t see him, he can see them. Arce says she has no regrets, and feels as though her daughters got the closure they needed just by remembering him.

When a death has occurred, the first step is breaking the sad news to your child. Many parents conceal the death from their kids or use terminology that is confusing, like “Grandma went to sleep.” Yet a direct, simple and caring approach is best, experts say.

Frank Perman, who owns a funeral home in Shaler, advises parents to use the simplest language, such as “Grandpa died.”

“Not sleeping, not passed away, not taking a trip. Euphemisms don’t work with children; they need plain language,” he says.

Hollon agrees: Don’t lie, and don’t fudge the truth with kids, even though the younger ones won’t fully grasp what’s happening.

“They know grandma’s missing, but they don’t have a concept of what death means,” Hollon says. She has helped many children cope with chronic illness and death in her career.

Using vague terms such as “Grandma’s gone away” can make a young child terrified that, for instance, a pack of monsters carried her away.

“If you leave young children … out of those things, their imaginations can make it sound far worse than it really is,” Hollon says. “All too often, parents will not take young children (to funerals) because they think they’re protecting them,” she says.

If parents don’t bring their children to relatives’ funerals, they might regret it later. Carol Shields, 65, of North Huntingdon, Westmoreland County, says she wishes she would have brought her then-11-year-old son to other relatives’ funerals before his older brother, Andy, died 18 years ago. It might have been less traumatic if he would have had some funeral experience, she says.

“I always try to protect my kids … which was a bad thing,” Shields says. Andy was 22 when he died.

“I would … encourage people to take their kids at maybe 8 or 9 years old,” Shields says. “I just had this very adamant thing, that ‘I’m going to protect my kids.’ But death is a part of life.”

Barbara Bohizic of Ellwood City, Lawrence County, says she is grateful for the way her parents handled the young children in the family when her grandfather died when she was 16. Bohizic’s mother explained to the youngest grandchildren what happened to him, and where he went.

“It was his time to go,” Bohizic, 56, says, echoing her mother’s words. “God called him home, and he was in heaven, and one day we’d all see each other in heaven again, including Grandpa.”

When Bohizic’s mother passed away two-and-a-half years ago, Bohizic did the same thing for her mother’s great-nieces and great-grandchildren.

“It’s traumatic for anybody, but for a child, you have to explain to them what’s happening in terms they can understand,” she says.

Grieving parents might think that they have to be stoic and put up a strong front to help their children. But this isn’t healthy for either the adults or children, Hollon says.

“Children need to be able to see adults grieving, because it will give them permission to grieve,” she says. “Children seeing the grown-ups they care about being sad gives them the opportunity to know that it’s OK to express their feelings.”

Funeral attendees sometimes have mixed feelings about children, experts say. Their hyperactivity can irritate mourners in a solemn mood, but children also can be inspiring and comforting for the bereaved. Having children around can be a reminder that life goes on after a tragedy, Perman and Hollon say.

Gary Duster, who co-owns Duster Funeral Home in Tarentum with his brother, Rodney, says that protocol regarding children and funerals often is dictated by common sense and that parents should be aware of their children’s age-based limitations.

“One should never force a child to do something that he or she doesn’t want to do,” Duster says. “You shouldn’t grab them by the arm and force them to kiss Grandma goodbye.

“Death is not something you want to hide from, because it’s a reality,” he continues. “But if (kids) are very young, they’re not going to understand.”

Helping a child cope with death and funerals

Consider these tips from the National Funeral Directors Association, funeral directors Frank Perman and Gary Duster, and child life specialist Ellen Hollon.

• To break the news about a death, sit children down quietly without the television or any other media on, and tell them in a straightforward and sensitive manner what has happened.

• Explain to them what they will see at the funeral home and funeral: people crying, people dressed up, a body in a casket, etc.

• Tell your kids that you expect them to be on their best behavior at the funeral home and the service.

• Try to take young children to the funeral home before the wake actually starts. This will give them privacy to grieve, and to ask questions.

• Use the television room many funeral homes offer. This is a great place for younger children to take a break, draw in coloring books, etc.

• Let your kids draw a picture for the person who died, and put it in the casket.

• Give them, or read to them, children’s books about death and funerals.

• Try to appoint a trusted adult who wasn’t as close to the deceased, and whom the children know and feel comfortable with, to be with and help the kids. This adult will be less emotional than you are.

• Find out whether the casket will be open before taking your child to the funeral home. Seeing the dead person can be traumatic, but it can also make the death real and help with the grieving process. Explain to your kids what they will see.

• Be a good listener, and offer continuous love, affection and assurance. Don’t assume children will “just get over it.”

• Don’t tell a child how to feel; people grieve in their own way.

• Share fond memories of the loved one with your children, and let them share with you.

• Frame a picture of the loved one for your child, or give him or her another memento to remember the loved one by.

• Involve your children in the funeral service by letting them read poems they wrote, playing songs or singing during the service, etc.

• Nurture faith and explain your religious beliefs about the deceased going to heaven, if that’s what you believe, but don’t blame God for the death (“God needed Daddy.”) That can create spiritual problems for the child. Say that God will help you through the crisis.

Additional sources: National Funeral Directors Association, Tribune-Review research

Additional Information:

Finding grief help

The Highmark Caring Place, which has its local offices in Downtown Pittsburgh, offers free programs and services for grieving children and families, such as support groups, referral services, telephone support, educational programs and more. Several articles about death and grief are available on the organization’s Web site.

Details: Online or 888-224-4673.

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