How to tell if your husband is gay
Politics and scandal go together like Britney Spears and revealing tops. (See "Rep. Mark Foley, R-Fla." and "e-mails.")
Although most disappear as quickly as celebrities' post-pregnancy baby fat, every once in a while there's a screamer that shows staying power.
This one goes by the name of New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey.
McGreevey made headlines in 2004 when he admitted he cheated on his wife with one of his male employees. Audiences were still tuning in when McGreevey did a tell-all on Oprah last month to garner publicity for his new book, "The Confession." It has reached No. 12 on USA Today's Top 150 list of best-selling books.
There's something compelling about a married man having an affair with another man, says infidelity expert Ruth Houston and author of "Is He Cheating on You: 829 Telltale Signs."
Houston has put together a tip sheet on how to tell if that third wheel is a woman -- or a man:
Question: Is it common to be afraid your husband might be cheating on you with a man?
Answer: The same-sex infidelity tip sheet was put together about a year ago because I started getting questions about it on my Web site ( www.infidelityexpert.com ). And when "Brokeback Mountain" made its debut, those questions almost quadrupled.
Women are starting to ask themselves, "Is this happening to me⢠What should I look for⢠How could I tell?" Certainty, if you're not suspecting it, these men get away with it.
The Centers for Disease Control (and Prevention), CDC, estimates that 4 million women have been involved in relationships with men that have had sex with other men. That's a big number, a very big number.
According to the Family Pride Coalition, 20 percent of all gay men in America are in heterosexual marriages, and 50 percent of all gay men in America have fathered children.
Q: So, how do you tell if your husband is gay?
A: It's a three-step procedure.
Step 1, you need to find out if they're cheating.
Step 2, who is that person cheating with: is it a woman or with another man⢠Some of the things to look for are: a strong preference for anal sex, buying or receiving expensive or overly intimate gifts for his male friends, extreme homophobic behavior and an abundance of male friends with whom he seems to be a little too close or too familiar with.
He'll be frequenting porn sights that have to do with same-sex activities. He may be receiving lots of phone calls from other men.
You can't take these signs in isolation. If you haven't proven that he's cheating, you're likely to make a mistake. Gay or bisexual men aren't necessarily effeminate, so people who are trying to use that as a factor could be falsely accusing a man. You can't base it on the way he looks or dresses.
Step 3 is identifying who that partner is.
Q: Why do you need to know who it's with?
A: The fact that he's cheating with another man doesn't necessarily mean the end of a marriage. Some people can sustain those marriages, but you need to find out if he's having sex with one or two people or picking up strangers that he's having sex with in a park.
Get at the real issues, like how long has this been going on, have you been having safe sex⢠You need to find out how deeply entrenched he is in this lifestyle.
Once you have that information, then you can make an intelligent decision on how to deal with the situation: should you stay with him, should you go to counselingâ¢
Q: How did you get to be an expert on infidelity?
A: Well, I've been researching infidelity for the past 13 years. I've interviewed cheaters, both male and female, victims of cheating, both male and female, marriage counselors, private investigators, divorce attorneys, anyone even remotely associated with cheating.
It started 13 years ago when I myself became a victim of infidelity and couldn't find the answers I needed. What started out as a fact-finding mission has become a way of life. That's all I do now.
Signs of same-sex infidelity
- Suspicious non-verbal communication with other men -- a look, a touch or hug that lasts a little too long or has undertones of intimacy
- Possession of pornography depicting men engaged in sex acts with other men (videos, magazines, photos stored on his computer)
- Frequenting gay or bisexual Web sites -- check the history in your Internet browser
- No longer sexually aroused by you or can't maintain his erection
- A strong preference for anal sex
- An abundance of male friends with whom he seems to be too close or too familiar
- Lots of phone calls from other men
- Buying or receiving expensive, intimate, or overly personal gifts from other men
- Overreacts to anything concerning gay men -- extreme homophobic behavior
- Unusually high percentage of male friends who are gay
- Spends more time with his male friends than with you
- Male friends who are overly friendly
- Watching gay porn on the Internet
- Answering personal ads on gay Web sites
- Cell phone bills traced to gay escort services or gay personal dating services
- Matchbook covers, cocktail napkins or business cards from gay bars with phone numbers written inside.
A WORD OF WARNING: Be very cautious about accusing your husband or boyfriend of being sexually involved with other men unless you have solid proof.
Source: Ruth Houston, author of "Is He Cheating on You: 829 Telltale Signs"
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Jake Gyllenhaal melted women's hearts when he spoke the lines, 'I wish I knew how to quit you,' in 'Brokeback Mountain.' But even as women -- and men -- sympathized with the predicament of loving a man you can't ever completely be with, for many, it awoke fears and concerns.
As Jack and Ennis pretended to lead normal heterosexual lives with their wives, their weekend 'fishing' trips were merely a facade to cover up their homosexual love affair. It's not a new concept for the big screen -- 2002's 'Far From Heaven' featured Dennis Quaid playing a married man desperately trying to repress his own sexual identity. Additional Information:
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