Howard Dean’s July 4 declaration
If Howard Dean were to update the Declaration of Independence, this is what he might say:
When the Founders decided to sever ties with King George III, who ruled over them as though they were rented mules, they made the heroic decision to declare their independence. They were heroic even though they were rich, white Christians.
They declared independence because an imperial power across the Atlantic had no right telling them what to do or how high their taxes should be. No, these rights should only be exercised by a carefully selected group of American elites, usually Democrats, who have the proper educations and IQs to make decisions for everyone else.
And just as the founders risked all to sign the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776, it’s high time we declare our own independence from the injuries and usurpations inflicted on us by King George W. Bush.
As we take back America from white Christians, we hold these truths to be self-evident:
That all women and men are created equal and, therefore, it is the role of carefully selected government appointees and servants, usually Democrats, to ensure that some people are given special preferences and others placed at a disadvantage in order that equality is properly manifested.
That it is not some “Creator” who provides all men and women with unalienable rights but that this work should be managed by a handful of carefully selected government appointees and servants with the proper education and IQs, who are usually Democrats.
Among these inalienable rights are life (except in those cases where carefully selected judges decide otherwise), liberty (but only in those areas where the government allows it) and the pursuit of happiness (hey, if it feels right for you, go for it, but we better not catch you praying on public property).
Furthermore, to secure these rights, our government must be comprised of carefully selected appointees and servants with the proper education and IQs, usually Democrats, who are more capable of securing these rights than the governed, who, after all, were dumb enough to elect Bush.
To that end, I now issue some of the many grievances Democrats have regarding King George:
He is a rich, white Christian, and his party suppressed the vote of anyone who wasn’t white and Christian, which is how he won.
He has promoted his “ownership society” which basically restricts taxation and regulation not so that all women and men may accumulate wealth by owning homes and stocks and managing their own Social Security accounts, but so that the wealthy shall be free to grow wealthier.
He has inflicted his imperialist ambitions on an innocent country. He did so not to advance the war on terrorism, as he has claimed, or to secure America from attacks with powerful weapons that might have ended up in the wrong hands. It was not to set forth a spark of freedom in the Middle East, with hopes it will take root and grow.
No, he has exploited the tragedy of 9/11 for the sole purpose of attaining riches and power. And it is therefore the duty of every American to endlessly criticize and weaken this president during a time of war, even if such rhetoric emboldens our enemies and causes more bloodshed, because that is one of the few shots Democrats have to win back the Congress during the mid-term elections.
And so, on this important day, July 4, 2005, I, Howard Dean, chairman of the great Democratic Party, ask my fellow Americans to declare their independence from the injurious policies of King George. I ask you to throw your support behind Democrats across the land, who have the proper education and IQs to decide important matters for you. And I am so excited for you to declare your independence, there is but one more thing to say: