Internet shaggy dog stories–Are they true?

BLAIRSVILLE--I have no idea if these are Internet shaggy dog stories, but they cracked me up--and they have the ring of authenticity to them, given the kind of dolts we all deal with daily. See if you don't agree:

ONE: Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO: I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE: A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR: I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocked. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE: Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

SIX: My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

SEVEN: Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

III

Neal Galley is leaving Derry Presbyterian Church to become pastor of a Presbyterian Church in Vandergrift. A letter was sent to members of the Derry church, followed by an announcement at worship last week. Galley has been very active with the Derry Food Bank.

A tip of the hat to Fr. Aloysius Borkowski, who will celebrate the 65th anniversary of his ordination to the priesthood on June 3. He doesn't get around like he used to, and lives quietly on a farm in Derry Township, but he's still going strong as he nears his 93rd birthday on July 28. The oldest priest in the Diocese of Greensburg, he still has many lively stories to tell about growing up on the South Side of Pittsburgh, where his dad was a steelworker.

Also celebrating the anniversary of his ordination is Fr. Stephen West, pastor of St. Joseph Catholic Church in Derry since 1992. He was ordained in 1979. And Fr. Angelo Ciuffoletti, who pastored St. Matthew Catholic Church in 1978, is celebrating his 40th anniversary in the priesthood.

Personal condolences to Calvin Gerhard, husband, Mick Gerhard, son, and the rest of the Gerhard family of Derry Township on the passing of Peg Gerhard last week. Peg, who had suffered greatly since a stroke last year, was active in community organizations, including the Caldwell Memorial Library board. Both Calvin and Mick served on the Derry Area School Board.

Also passing through death this week was Jim Taubler, a native of the vanished village of Cokeville, Derry Township. A former professor at St. Vincent College, Taubler organized the annual Cokeville reunion for a few years before moving to his retirement home in Florida...The latest list of obituaries also included the name of Don Lenz, a Latrobe resident who was very active coaching sports, especially girls' sports, in Latrobe and Derry, until ill health overtook him. He was a good guy, and will be missed.

III

Saltsburg is losing its Adelphoi Village group home after 20 years. Some towns would celebrate the loss, but not Saltsburg.

Adelphoi operates group homes for adolescents who have been sent by juvenile courts looking for a way to get troubled teens turned around, and Adelphoi has long run into opposition from residents in one town or another jumping to apply the NIMBY (Not In My Back Yard) rule.

But Saltsburg Borough Council President Ralph Brown and Mayor Ronald Wagner presented the Keystone House with a plaque for all the teenage boys in the home have done in and for the borough. Wagner said far from being a problem, the home will be sorely missed.

In the 20 years of Keystone House, the boys helped Saltsburg by picking up trash, shoveling snow, helping to renovate the Saltsburg River Trail, assisting with cleanup after the Thunder Mountain Indiana Festival and cleaning the Salt Center gym, among other chores.

III

Emily and Jacob rule. Those are the number one American baby names once again. Emily has been the queen for eight straight years, Jake since 1999. The top boys' names for 2003, as compiled by the Social Security Administration, show a refreshing return to Biblical names. The top 10 for 2003 were Jacob, Michael, Joshua, Matthew, Andrew, Joseph, Ethan, Daniel, Christopher and Anthony. (Tony is the only newcomer to the list for 2003.) Girls' names tend to range farther afield. In second place for 2003 is Emma, a choice perhaps influenced by Rachel and Ross' baby name choice on Friends. The remaining eight are Madison (Madison!?), Hannah, Olivia, Abigail, Alexis, Ashley, Elizabeth and Samantha.