Question: My wife and I have been married for five years. I had a few partners prior to her, but she has had many, as she was single for 10 years after her first husband died. She likes men and flirting, but she says she loves only me. My problem is this: When we go out during the weekend, she spends more time flirting and dancing with other men than with me. I really have no issue with this, but I was wondering whether you think this could lead to a problem• Is this a red flag? Answer: Blazin’ red, in our opinion. You have to ask yourself why a woman who says she loves only you would spend all her time dancing with other men while you stand on the sidelines• Short of she likes to dance, you don’t — even in those cases — women no longer wait for guys to ask them to dance; they just get up and dance together. So if she’s dancing with other men, not you, we are thinking it might be by design. You know her history. Was she faithful in her previous relationships• If the answer is no, then that’s your answer. Don’t get us wrong, we get that flirting and, at times, innocent attention from someone other than your spouse gets both of you to sit up and realize what you have, but we also are huge proponents of “trusting your gut.” If things just don’t feel right, they probably aren’t right. And if you had no issue with all of this, as you said in your letter, we doubt you would be writing to us. It’s bothering you. So, what do you do• Take this seriously. It’s things like this that slowly undermine a couple’s intimacy. She might have a problem that needs to be explored in counseling. But also consider that you might not be as attentive as you should be, and this might be her way of trying to get you to notice her. When a husband appears to have no problem with his wife’s spending the evening dancing with other men, it could be misconstrued that he doesn’t care. The more you act like it’s no problem, the more she tries to get you to notice. More than this being the case of a flirtatious wife, could it be the case of an inattentive husband? Of course, we are just speculating by asking you to take a look at a possibility that might not have crossed your mind. Bottom line: If it’s the weekend, the time that you two have set aside to be together, and she’s kicking up her heels with other guys — pay attention. Problems in a marriage rarely are created by only one of the partners. It takes two to tango. Jann Blackstone-Ford, M.A., and her husband’s ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of “Ex-Etiquette for Parents,” are the founders of Bonus Families . Reach them at

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