Question: I am 46, and my ex is 53. We have a 13-year-old son. My ex has a 27-year-old live-in girlfriend, and it looks as if she'll be around for a while, so I'm trying to get used to the situation. Last weekend, my son had Little League tryouts. My ex brought his girlfriend, who showed up barefoot, wearing short cutoffs, a revealing halter top and no bra. I didn't say anything. My son said his friends were going crazy about Dad's girlfriend and he was embarrassed. I'm afraid if I call Dad, he will not take it seriously, so what do I do?
Answer: Wow. Paints an image, doesn't it⢠And we understand why you're hesitant to say something. Your ex probably will perceive anything mentioned as sour grapes or an attempt to control his life, neither of which is conducive to good communication or positive co-parenting.
You often have heard us talk about keeping the kids out of the middle of the parents' communication -- not asking the child to pass on information -- but that rule applies in situations such as, "Tell your dad that we can't drop you off at the regular time -- you'll be two hours late." Or, "Tell your mother it's her turn to pay the dentist bill." In this case, when the child, who is 13, is offended by some behavior, it allows the child and father to cultivate their own relationship without using Mom as a buffer. It'll be a tough one, but there is greater likelihood of the information being taken seriously when the child offers his embarrassment rather than Mom offering hers.
We would not make this suggestion if the child were younger. Parents know if their child can handle this sort of thing. Ask, "Would you like to talk to Dad about this?" as a good way to open a dialogue. Brainstorm together for the proper words to use when talking to Dad about it. If an older child declines, another possibility is for the team coach to talk to Dad. There are probably formal rules about the types of clothes that should be worn to the Little League field.
Jann Blackstone-Ford, Psy.D., and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents," are the founders of Bonus Families.
