The headline read, "Pitt Says Men May Start Wearing Skirts After 'Troy.'"
I thought, "Well, I know the University of Pittsburgh has been having a big brouhaha over benefits for gay and lesbian couples, but it sounds as if they've gone a bit overboard. And who's this guy Troy anyway?"
This Pitt, of course, is actor Brad. According to Reuters, he said Sunday that after his film "Troy" debuts, "Men will be wearing skirts by next summer. We were going for realism, and Greeks wore skirts all the time then."
However, I think most men would have more luck trying to marry Jennifer Aniston than in wearing a skirt successfully.
Women take care of their legs, exercising, shaving and choosing hosiery with more care than men put into designing nuclear power plants. (Which of course is why nuclear power plants are so scary, but I digress.)
If men somehow begin wearing skirts, we will be exposed to a forest of male shins, calves, knees and, dare I say it, thighs. Unfortunately, this will mean hairy shins, scrawny calves, knock knees and flabby thighs.
And I'm not just speaking theoretically. My wife and I contra dance. This is a style of dancing somewhat like square dancing, but you dance in two lines, with your partner and other dancers.
Somehow in the past few years, a few men at many of these dances wear skirts.
They claim skirts are cooler. Perhaps. But real men don't mind sweating. In fact, we like sweating. There's something manly about it, maybe because it allows us to offend other people at a distance, without the bother of talking.
I can't help thinking that guys in skirts think they have found the last thing that will shock and titillate the bourgeoisie.
I am sorry to say that, apropos of the male legs mentioned above, such beskirted gentlemen have confused shock and titillate with appall and nauseate.
A skirt on a guy just doesn't fly. I know. Sometimes these fellows even take the women's part in the dance, and I've danced with them.
Sorry, fellas, but it's much less pleasant than dancing with a woman. I don't mean to stereotype, but guys are just too big, hairy and -- sweaty.
So whether Brad Pitt wears skirts or not, men should wear pants.
And a little deodorant wouldn't hurt, either.
Jim Tynen can be reached at jtynen@tribweb.com .
