Question: I have been divorced for about three years, and I share custody of my three kids, ages 8, 12 and 17. My ex is loud, talkative and aggressive. I can't compete personality-wise, so I don't try. But I feel that I have shut down my relationship with my kids. After 18 years, I let go of my role of "traditional" mom (soccer, football, church schedules). My ex is Mr. Involved. I want to be a great mom, but I want to be true to myself and my path. I'm feeling overwhelmed. It feels as though my kids like the old ways better.
Answer: They probably do. Most kids like their parents involved at the sidelines -- teens probably don't really want to hear your opinion, but if you aren't there cheering them on, you'll hear about it -- especially if that is what you have done all their life, and now all of a sudden you are not interested. Two of your children are very young and need you to be there.
Our advice to you is to examine why you have changed -- it seems pretty obvious that something is going on with you, and you need to take a look at it. It could be anything from a secret celebration of getting away from an overbearing ex to merely a desire to return to work now that your kids are older. But, more important, we are concerned it might be depression. And if that is the case, it's time to go to the doctor.
Many of our clients divorce, start a new life, and then a couple of years down the road wonder why the zest just isn't there -- and it's often depression. They don't feel "depressed." The bad times have passed and they wonder "There's nothing really that bad right now. What's wrong with me?" What's wrong is that after going through something traumatic such as divorce, sometimes the body and the mind need some time to reconnect.
Our personal experience, combined with working with thousands of divorced couples, is that it takes two or three years to really feel like yourself after a serious breakup. That's the time frame you have given us, and that's why we suggest you find a good psychologist to make sure depression isn't at the root of your feeling overwhelmed and your change in priorities. Depression and feeling depressed aren't necessarily the same thing.
Now, let's talk about "your path." We aren't going to give you the "Don't Be Selfish Lecture," but 12- and 8-year-olds are far from self-sufficient and need an active mom in their lives. (Seventeen-year-olds do, too, but not to the same extent.) Being true to yourself is also an important lesson to learn and to pass on to the kids. Life is the fine art of juggling both.
Jann Blackstone-Ford, M.A., and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents," are the founders of Bonus Families . Reach them at ee@bonusfamilies.com .
