In a few years, the Pittsburgh Public Schools system will look a lot different than it does today. No longer will its students be chastised for their poor grades. The 54 percent of students who currently cannot read at their grade levels will be little more than a foggy, unpleasant memory.
I know this because I have friends and relatives with small children, and each and every one of these kids is a genius. Not just a genius, but a certified intellectual dynamo, the sort of eerily gifted preschoolers who, if their parent's boastful rantings can be believed, will cure cancer, end war and invent a good-tasting screw-cap wine -- all before sixth-period study hall.
Even though I have no children of my own, I understand that parental pride and overly optimistic expectations are as natural a part of child-rearing as sleepless nights and rooms cluttered with big plastic toys. If everyone's child is capable of discussing dialectical materialism on their Fisher-Price toy phones, while still in diapers, we're in for one hell of a bright future.
Ah, but if only it were so.
Closer to the truth, I suspect that somewhere out there, in all of human procreation, someone must have produced at least a few average children. There must still be genes out there just perfect for creating the welders, bus drivers, furniture movers and go-go dancers of the mid-21st century. The problem is -- if you can ignore the ceaseless cheerleading that passes for parental assessment these days -- we just never meet any of them.
Too bad.
At one point, some doctor is going to end up prescribing a whole lot of anti-depressants and maybe even a few dry martinis to these self-deluded parents when the first report cards roll in. Just as with our report cards, the results will likely reveal a future occupied by a mixture of baby geniuses and complete dolts.
And the vast majority of children -- and much as we're loathe to admit it, that most likely includes your little Ashleigh, Taylor or Tamika -- will be average, ho-hum students, kids with more interest in fashion, sports, television and gossip than academics. Some will even fail to read at their grade levels. Some will spend two, maybe three years in first grade.
But doesn't make them bad people, or even failures.
It just makes them human. Which is all we should expect kids to ever be.
