Stephen Tomcho, of Oakmont, has picked up silly and clean phrases to express frustration, including "cheese and rice" and "balls." He has used them around his children, Ashley, 18, and Michelle, 13, since they were children, and they have a ball with the sayings.
"They laugh; they go along with it; they think it's great," Tomcho, 49, says.
Using foul and indelicate language might be a deeply ingrained -- and, in moderation, a perfectly acceptable -- habit among adults. But what happens when you have children, and, suddenly, even benign words and phrases -- for instance, those dealing with bodily functions -- can seem too intense or coarse for tender ears to hear?
Oh, sh .... er, phooey! It's time to tame your tongue, now that you're a parent, experts say.
Not only do parents want to shield children from hearing bad language, but they also don't want them to absorb and start spouting it off themselves. Children are bound to hear plenty of cussing in the media and at school when they get older, so there's no need to accelerate the exposure and promote it by parents swearing, experts say.
"It is a habit ... and it's hard to break the habit, but they don't realize that their kids are listening in," says author and speaker Jim O'Connor. He owns the Cuss Control Academy in Lake Forest, Ill., which offers seminars and more about tongue-taming. He also wrote the book "Cuss Control: The Complete Book on How to Curb Your Cursing."
"Parents are often swearing because they're angry; they're expressing some sort of negative emotion," O'Connor says. "Kids tend to pick up any tone that's louder or more emphatic. They hear a growl and a word they like to imitate."
Thus, parents' efforts to mold children to be "good, social, polite human beings" can be hindered easily by their own speech habits, O'Connor says. Fiddlesticks.
Dr. Marilyn Heins, a pediatrician, author, columnist and speaker who runs the parenting Web site, www.parentkidsright.com, says that parents should strive to make their home a curse-free zone, for everybody's comfort and sense of respect.
"Kids model what we do; there's no question about that," says Heins, of Tucson. "They learn what is acceptable in their world from watching you.
"Very often, there is a discrepancy between what we do and what we tell our children to do," she says. "The bigger the discrepancy, the more trouble you're going to have with that issue. ... Obviously, you cannot expect your child to stop cussing if you're still doing it."
But, I'm a grown-up, so I can, right⢠Heins says a parent is like a god to the child, so age privilege won't cut it.
" 'I can do what I want because I'm grown up' doesn't go very far with kids," she says.
O'Connor and Heins recommend substituting clean words and phrases for expletives, although it will take practice to use them instinctively, especially in acute, "Oh, sh.." situations such as stubbing a toe or spilling milk. The new phrases might not seem as satisfying at first, but people can catch on to them if they make the effort.
"It's hard work, but work at it," O'Connor says. "Even chronic cursers find themselves in situations where they can't swear, like the family block party. You just can't do it, so you don't. ... It's just a matter of getting yourself conditioned."
Many parents have found successful swear substitutes. Pauline Christian, 82, of Carrick, a Pittsburgh neighborhood, picked up the phrase "sugarbeans" from her daughter, Cathy. Now, Christian says "sugarbeans" regularly, especially around her three great-grandchildren.
"It's not swearing ... especially when you're around kids; they pick up everything," she says. "It's not insulting to anybody."
Steven Nourie, 48, of Mt. Lebanon, adopted the phrase "Jiminy Cricket" from his grandfather. He started using the phrase instead of expletives in business settings, and later around his kids, Blake, 11, and Olivia, 13, when he became a father.
"It's been my substitute, and it's worked really well, in both business and home life," Nourie says.
Inevitably, though, even well-conditioned, cuss-free adults are bound to let a word slip every now and then around their kids. What then⢠Simply apologize, O'Connor and Heins say, and say you won't do it again.
A little humor, such as "Mommy's busted" or "Mommy's in time out" wouldn't hurt. Parents also can fine household members, including themselves, a quarter or a dollar for each profanity uttered.
Tips to tame your tongue
- Recognize that swearing does damage. Swearing might be easy and fun, but it doesn't get you hired, promoted or romantically connected. It doesn't win an argument, and you don't earn respect or admiration.
- Start by eliminating casual swearing. Pretend that your sweet grandmother or young daughter always is next to you. Use inflections for emphasis instead of offensive adjectives. Be more descriptive instead of using the "s" word to describe everything from objects, work and weather to the way you feel, the way someone looks and the way something smells.
- Think positively. A positive, can-do mental attitude can eliminate lots of swearing and also bring personal contentment.
- Practice being patient. When you're stuck in traffic or a line, do a few extra minutes really matter⢠Use the time wisely: Plan the rest of your day, or strike up a conversation with a stranger.
- Cope, don't cuss. Everyday life is full of aggravations and frustrations, and we have to deal with them. Consider the smallest annoyance a challenge, and feel proud of yourself for taking care of it cheerfully and efficiently.
- Stop complaining. No one wants to hear griping about things no one can control. For all other complaints, try to offer a rational solution. Others will admire your common sense, wisdom and calm approach to the problem.
- Use alternative words. English is a colorful language, so there's no need to use the same coarse and unimaginative words that have been around for centuries. Here are suggestions for substitutes for BS: lie, fabrication, nonsense, bunk, baloney, drivel, malarkey and hogwash. These words might not seem satisfying at first, but they eventually will.
- Make your point politely. Some substitute words can sound just as offensive if your tone is abrasive or you insult someone. Take the time to make your point in a mature and convincing manner.
- Think of what you should have said. After using an expletive, use the tamer word you wish you would have said. If you make a statement that you later realize was rude, think of how you could have phrased the statement. Over time, these exercises will train you to think and act differently.
- Work at it. Breaking the swearing habit might be as difficult as giving up other deeply ingrained habits, such as smoking. It takes practice, support from others and the true desire to improve.
- Think in clean language, and switch negative thoughts to positive solutions.
- When you are on your way to a situation you know will test your temper and tongue, plan what you will say and how you will say it.
- Tell your family and friends what you are doing, and you will be more cautious around them.
- Determine when and why you swear the most, and develop tricks for changing your behavior.
Source: The Cuss Control Institute's Web site
