Personality test: Comic David Kaye
Comic David Kaye opened Slapsticks Comedy Loft last year in Bethel Park. He grew up on Polish Hill and was a mechanical engineer before venturing into theater and stand-up.
The star who would play me in the movie version of my life and why:
Toss up between The Rock and Rosie O'Donnell because they are both so macho.
If the TV is on at 2 a.m., I'm watching:
IFC -- the Independent Film Channel -- I can't get enough of subtitles and those topsy-turvy Euro plotlines.
After a long day, I like to relax with a (pick one):
• A. Martini
• B. Cold beer
• C. Cabernet
• D. Herbal tea
D. Seeing that I don't imbibe liquor, I'll have to go with herbal tea. But if given the choice of teas, I'd pick Red Rose because you get a little ceramic circus animal in every box.
My required snack in a movie theater is:
Snowcaps -- not the ones you pay $22.50 a box at the theater. I get mine at Eckerd for a buck and sneak it in under my shirt.
Oh yeah, and an EXTRA LARGE TUB-O-POPCORN, slathered down with about 14 pumps of golden liquid butter and enough salt to gag a blue whale. I sneak that in under my shirt, too.
If I was auditioning for "American Idol," my song would be:
Bobby Darren's "Mac the Knife." I can wail that tune like nobody's business.
The first band I saw in concert:
David Bowie -- Aladdin Sane Tour -- summer of 1973 at the Civic Arena
The person I'm most often mistaken for:
The store manager at TJ Maxx
Choose one:
• A. The Beatles
• B. The Rolling Stones
A. The Beatles - Every time my older sisters pretended to be the Beatles' girlfriends they forced me to play Ringo.
The worst advice I ever received:
Plead not guilty.
Pick a Simpson:
• A. Jessica
• B. Ashlee
• C. O.J.
• D. Homer
D. Homer -- I would be content if my life could mirror his, Dooooh!
The most famous person I ever became friends with:
Drew Carey
Choose one:
• A. Captain
• B. Tenille
B. Tenille. In the 1980s she was hot. Now, she's kind of scary.
My most recent eBay purchase:
Parts for my Moen kitchen faucet
Pick one:
• A. "Ugly Betty"
• B. "America's Next Model"
• C. "What Not to Wear"
• D. "Extreme Makeover"
D. "Extreme Makeover." Only in America can you ask a television network to pay for your ugly spouse's plastic surgery and turn them into a Toni Tenille look-alike.
The first person I call when I have good news:
My lawyer
My most treasured fashion accessory is:
What's a "fashion accessory"⢠If I ever had one, it would be that old cowboy belt buckle that was the size of a Buick LaSabre hubcap.
Pick a cheese product:
• A. Cheez Whiz
• B. Velveeta
• C. Cheez-its
• D. Mac 'n' Cheese
C. Cheez-its are bar none, hands down, no doubt about it, 1,000 percent better tasting than Cheese Nips.
What you'll always find in my glove compartment:
An Isaly's chipped ham sandwich with American cheese, pickles and brown mustard ... along with receipts from everything I ever bought pertaining to my car.
My most embarrassing junk food:
Little Debbie Strawberry Shortcake Rolls. Fluffy cake layered with creme and strawberry jelly, then rolled into a yummy treat! Individually wrapped six to a carton. Pure fat and delicious sugar.
Pick a Jessica:
• A. Alba
• B. Biel
• C. Tandy
• D. Rabbit
D. Jessica Rabbit -- surprisingly attractive for an animated bunny
If I wasn't a comedian, I'd be:
A welder in outer space
The book I bought and have been intending to read for the longest time:
The Merriam & Webster New World Dictionary
My favorite Web site:
My most memorable fashion mistake:
Mauve-colored pants. Do I need to explain?
Pick one:
• A. Sgt. York
• B. Sgt. Schultz
• C. Sgt. Bilko
• D. Sgt. Pepper
A. Sgt. Schultz: "I know nut-zing!"
If I could live my life as someone else, it would be:
Hugh Hefner -- silk pajamas 24/7
My favorite "bad" movie is:
"Evil Dead 2" -- sooooo much better than "Evil Dead 1"
My first job:
The summer I turned 14, I worked as a gardener for the people for whom my mother cleaned house.
My worst job:
I got hired as "Pepsiman" during the summer of 1994. He was a superhero that handed out Pepsi to thirsty people, I wore blue tights, red shorts and cape, and had to dye my hair black. ... Worst of all, I had to drink Pepsi all day long. By the end of each day, I was so wound up on caffeine and sugar that I couldn't sleep at night!
Pick one:
• A. Miracle Whip
• B. Helmann's
B. Helmann's all the way. If you're going to eat fat, it might as well taste good.
My favorite cable channel:
Comedy Central, but only when "South Park" or "The Daily Show" is on.
Pick one:
• A. David Letterman
• B. Jay Leno
• C. Conan O'Brien
• D. Craig Ferguson
C. Conan O'Brien -- just looking at him cracks me up, he's such a geek. When his show first came on the air and a comedy bit didn't work, they would immediately cut to a basket of kittens, and Conan would say, "Come on! You can't boo at a basket of kittens." Too funny, a real master of the television media.
Life would be better without:
So many different religions. If everyone knew that when we die, there exists a giant happy amusement park where there are no lines and you can ride forever without ever having to stop to go to the bathroom, then we would all get along.
If I could tour with any two bands, they would be:
AC/DC for the music. Dixie Chicks for obvious reasons.
I never travel without my:
Insecure feelings that other people think I am fat.
People would be surprised to know that I:
Actually sat at my computer for over 90 minutes and could not come up with answer to this question.
