Greensburg native Melanie Maloy is a stand-up kind of girl, a high-spirited dreadlocked long drink of hippie chai who wrings laughs from comedy club audiences with her ADD-lightful observations. The daughter of WDVE DJ Jack Maloy, she graduated from St. Vincent's College and made her funny bones at The Funny Bone at Station Square in the South Side. She now makes her home in Asheville, N.C.

When she made E!'s Top 50 Funniest People list, Howard Stern was incensed because he didn't make it. The King of All Media singled out Maloy on his radio show, asking just who is this Melanie Maloy•

We gave her the Trib Personality Test so we could find out, too.

The star who would play me in the movie version of my life:

Kathy Griffin. That's the only person people say I remind them of -- and we both have a wonderful way of attracting gay men. Yay for us. Nothing funner.

Childhood hero:

Stevie Nicks. She was everything I wanted to be, except a cokehead. I loved how she sang and danced and looked like a magical goddess, who totally captured the people watching her.

Pick your favorite captain:

A. Kirk

B. Kangaroo

C. Crunch

D. Jack Sparrow

C. Cap'n Crunch, the funnest cereal ever!

If the TV is on at 2 a.m., I'm watching:

A sad movie on the Oxygen channel or one of those psychotic infomercials that are trying to sell you a total piece of trash with more enthusiasm than should be allowed. That is comedy right there.

Three people I'd love to have dinner with:

Ani DiFranco, Rodney Yee, Alanis Morissette.

After a long day, I like to relax with a:

A. Martini

B. Cold beer

C. Cabernet

D. Herbal tea

B. Cold, light beer in a can. When you're done with the case, you take the empties to the recycling place, and use that money to get another case. Recycle!

My quirkiest inherited trait:

From my mom: I sing my words a lot. She ends a lot of her sentences on a high note, and, apparently, so do I. From my dad: I make very expressive faces when I talk.

Song you would sing at an audition for "American Idol":

"Black Dog" by Led Zeppelin. It would be so hilariously embarrassing.

My favorite sandwiches, plus fixings:

Sauteed spinach and garlic in olive oil with sprouts on whole-wheat toast. Mmm!

One word your mother would use to describe you:

Funny.

Celebrity crush:

Guy: Nick Nolte.

Girl: Angelina Jolie.

The oldest thing in my refrigerator is:

Fingernail polish.

When I was 10, I wanted to be:

A singer or a gymnast.

Exercise I hate most:

Push-ups.

Vegetable I won't eat:

Brussels sprouts.

I'm deathly afraid of:

El Caminos and John McCain.

The first band I saw in concert:

This is tough. Probably 7 or 8 years old and someone wickedly cool like Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young or Pink Floyd. We got to see a lot of shows thanks to my dad.

TV marathon you could watch all day and why:

"House." I love him. I love the oncologist, I love Cuddy, I love the sarcasm, I love the sweetness, I love the music they play at the end of the last scene. Whoever does their soundtrack has great taste.

The person I'm most often mistaken for:

Jason from "American Idol."

Choose one:

A. Dogs

B. Cats

B. Definitely cats, but I am starting to appreciate dogs more and more. Just not those tiny, loud ones or untrained, jump-all-over-you pricks.

The worst advice I ever received:

To get Botox. I like my face the way it is. The more weathered, the wiser.

I own 5 or 6 pairs of shoes. My favorites are:

My big, black platform boots.

Pick one:

A. Boxers

B. Briefs

A. Boxers, but not the silk ones. Pink Panther boxers would be ideal -- although I've never seen a pair.

In high school, I was:

Broken out and insecure.

The most famous person I ever became friends with:

Jim Florentine, stand-up comedian and "Special Ed" from Crank Yankers.

Choose one:

A. John

B. Paul

C. George

D. Ringo

C. George Harrison. My mom and I were listening to his album in her bedroom the day he died, and we had no idea he was dying while we were jamming to "Give me Love." Oh, and that was my parting gift from my six years at Houlihan's. I rewarded myself with a picture of George that hung in the dining room. I wouldn't say I stole it, though. I replaced it with my headshot. Ha ha ha! Sorry, Houlihan's.

My most recent eBay purchase:

Pepper spray. You never know when you'll encounter a weirdo in the parking garage or an aggressive dog on a bike ride.

The movie that always makes me cry:

"What About Bob?" When I say cry, I mean crying-laughing. Hilarious every single time.

My most treasured fashion accessory is:

My Ani DiFranco guitar pick necklace. Thank you, Diz.

Pick one you love or hate:

A. Stripes

B. Polka dots

C. Plaid

D. Paisley

A. I love horizontal stripes on overweight people. Those people are bold and beautiful and boycotting the advice from the stupid fashion "advisers."

What you'll always find in my glove compartment:

Gum and a pen and a slice of paper in case I come up with a new bit during a drive.

If I weren't a comedian, I'd be a:

Cat whisperer.

The last book I read:

"Nancy Drew," 1981.

It's not pizza without:

Green peppers.

Pick one:

A. Original Hot Dog Shop fries

B. Primanti Brothers fries

C. Potato Patch fries

D. Pommes frites

I'm not a french fry fan. I love a sweet potato with Earth Balance butter.

My favorite Web site:

RighteousBabe.com

My most memorable fashion mistake:

Oh my god -- Latrobe High School fancy dance. I went as a guest/date with Kevin Kairys. I wore a long, casual skirt and a brown sweater from The Express. All the other girls were wearing shiny, strapless gowns from Deb. I think he was embarrassed, but it was the beginning of my independence and separation from the norm.

If I could live my life as someone else, it would be:

"Bicycle Bob," the only visible homeless dude in Westmoreland County. I know him a little bit, but I want to know what it would be like to be him.

My childhood nickname was:

Mo.

My best karaoke song:

"Thank God I'm a Country Boy" by the late, great John Denver.

My first job:

Lifeguard at the Charter Oak Pool. Fired for no apparent reason.

My worst job:

My gig at the Greensboro, N.C., Comedy Zone. The manager actually asked me if I could be more like Larry the Cable Guy to get the audience to warm up to me. Oh my God! How about "Adios, Greensboro!"

The song that always gets me out on the dance floor and why:

"Dancing Queen" by ABBA. But really anything, because I love to shake it!

Life would be better without:

Racism, pig roasts and war.

If I could tour with any two bands, they would be:

The Dave Matthews Band, of course, and Ani and whatever crew she has.

I never travel without my:

Two gallons of water.

People would be surprised to know that:

I am extremely sensitive and that I am not a big pothead.

---

Copyright ©2025— Trib Total Media, LLC (TribLIVE.com)

---