Lance: To Port Authority of Allegheny County. Pittsburgh's public mass transit monopoly already is arguably the most dysfunctional government bus and rail system in the country. Now it wants to spend $400,000 to hire three more lobbying firms to go with the one it already has and will be paying $750,000 through 2009. Port Authority managers claim they need the additional lobbyists to deal with increasingly complex state and federal transportation issues. But that's just transit-speak for "We need to beg for more state and federal money to keep our self-serving racket operating because we won't fix it." What Port Authority really needs to hire is a good demolition company. Laurel: To Rocco Mediate. For years to come people will be talking about the Greensburg native's amazing duel with golf legend Tiger Woods for the U.S. Open championship in San Diego. And though the Hempfield Area High School grad lost to the superhuman Mr. Woods in sudden death, Mr. Mediate nevertheless defined what being a champion is all about: "Rocco can walk away with his head held very high after his performance," says Arnold Palmer. Hear! hear! Lance: To PennDOT District 11. In the you-can't-make-this-up department, our clever state highwaymen have managed to create potholes in the process of trying to prevent them. The protective "tar and chip" coating PennDOT slathered on 18 miles of Allegheny County's lesser-traveled roads to forestall expensive resurfacing work was supposed to seal out moisture and glue the road surface together. Instead it's clumping and causing potholes and rutting. What went wrong is a mystery to PennDOT, which has 370,000 gallons of faulty goo on its hands. Laurel: To the tax rebels fueling "Whiskey Rebellion II." Hundreds of people opposed to Allegheny County's 10 percent drink tax gathered at The Priory this week to kick off a petition drive they hope will put the issue on the ballot in November. Tax protestors need about 24,000 valid signatures by Aug. 5. Let's hope they collect at least 100,000 voters' names. It'll give County Executive Dan Onorato -- the tax's unrepentant proud father and wannabe governor -- the political scare he deserves. Lance: To the Urban Redevelopment Authority. According to Pittsburgh Controller Michael Lamb, the City of Pittsburgh's pitiful redevelopment agency made some suspiciously generous loans to would-be real-estate developer Bernardo Katz. The URA made $700,000 in loans and mortgages to Katz to redevelop four URA-owned properties in Beechview. Lamb says Katz -- who has defaulted on the loans and returned to his native Brazil -- received mortgages that were double the properties' assessed value. URA officials defend the loans, but Lamb's office is investigating to see if Katz got a preferential deal. What a cynic.

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