You may recall the famous scene from the 1967 film “The Graduate” in which “Mr. McGuire,” a family friend, tells young Ben Braddock the secret of future economic success. He pulls the new college graduate aside and conspiratorially whispers in his ear just one word: “Plastics.” And if you tuned in last week to the Pennsylvania Cable Network to catch the live debate on the floor of the state House of Representatives, you might think the future of the commonwealth turned on a single phrase: “license plates.” With the state budget now a battle of political titans, Allegheny County about to hemorrhage from the USAirways bankruptcy and the City of Pittsburgh going down the chute faster than Picabo Street, you may have expected to hear an exposition of these major issues. Apparently, however, nothing can stop the juggernaut called specialty license plates. I tuned-in just in time to hear this boiling controversy start with the discussion of a bill that would add some specialty plates to the lengthy list of those already available to our state’s vehicle owners. You know the plates — commemorating our heritage or supporting certain colleges and universities or endorsing interest groups or social movements. THE ‘IRISH CAUCUS’ The bill seemed headed for swift approval until an amendment was introduced that would add yet another plate to the current list — a license plate commemorating the “Irish Caucus.” Let me tell you, when Rep. Jim Lynch finished speaking for that amendment, there was a rousing cheer in the House chamber that could be heard on the Emerald Isle itself. And then, Rep. Tony DeLuca took the floor and asked that the entire bill be held for one day so that he could prepare an amendment that would create a plate honoring — you guessed it — The “Italian Caucus.” Rep. DeLuca’s political instincts are rarely off the mark, and this time he hit a bull’s-eye. Those legislators who supported DeLuca’s amendment were so enthusiastic that they seemed ready to break into a raucous rendition of “Non Dimenticar ,” or “Do Not Forget.” Finally, Rep. David Levdansky was recognized by the Speaker and quickly tried to put all of these events into proper perspective. Why not authorize plates honoring Levdansky’s ethnic background — Slovaks and Poles• And why should any ethnic group be denied its own license plate• In fact, Rep. Levdansky went on, let’s give everybody a blank license plate and a box of magic markers and let them design their own. I think he was being facetious about that last part, but I really like the idea. FAVORITE PLATES In the past, I have had a wildlife resources plate and a plate that supports the zoo. My plates have been adorned with owls, tigers and even an inexplicable river otter. Currently I have one of those chic black license plates that promote drug awareness and education, but I actually chose it because it looks really good on a black car. In fact, my earlier choices were also based purely on aesthetics, so Levdansky’s magic marker proposal would suit me just fine. Those guys who proudly wear neckties decorated by their children could enjoy a mobile form of kid’s refrigerator art on their cars. Graffiti artists, long the bane of urban life, could suddenly find that their skills are marketable to an emerging group of license plate art snobs. And just as I have switched plates to match the color and design of my cars, Levdansky’s suggestion could allow you to tailor your license plate to your mood swings. Since I could barely handle the tension of waiting to see how this debate turned out, I started surfing the channels for a Seinfeld rerun before the final vote was cast. But in the future, whenever I renew my vehicle registration, I will be certain to check my license plate options with AAA. LAUGH• CRY? Way back in 64 A.D., Roman Emperor Nero was accused of having fiddled while Rome burned. That year there actually was a great conflagration that destroyed much of the ancient city, but it is unlikely that Nero fiddled, since he preferred to sing and play the lyre. More importantly in historic terms, many Romans blamed Nero for starting the fire, so he immediately engaged in a little political misdirection by blaming the Christians and kicking-off what would become a long stretch of persecution. Part of Nero’s problem may have been that he took himself too seriously. Just before pulling the plug a few years later, he reportedly exclaimed, “What an artist dies in me!” Even a cursory review of his tenure indicates that he should have said, “What a total nutcase dies in me!” A little bit of humor, even in the darkest of times, would have served him well. And so it is. Here in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, in the summer of 2003, we find ourselves looking for any little thing that would make us laugh. At first, I was a little put off by the frivolity of the battling ethnic caucuses, but maybe the distraction of dealing with the mundane and absurd details of government is healthy in times like ours. Or could it be that I am like that character from the Barber of Seville, who said, “I quickly laugh at everything, for fear of having to cry.”

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