Hopeless romantics don't stand a chance on Valentine's Day, says Neil Clark Warren.
The Pasadena, Calif., clinical psychologist is convinced that dating is a waste of time. A candlelit dinner, a dozen red roses, a bottle of wine and a heart-shaped box of chocolates are worthless trappings that won't work magic on three out of four women, he contends.
Warren, who has written 10 books about dating and marriage, willingly shares his theory that he says proves dating doesn't work. His most recent, "Date … or Soul Mate⢠How to Know if Someone is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or Less" (Thomas Nelson, $14.99), will be released in April.
On the average, Warren says, a single person will go on 100 dates before he or she marries. Statistics show that only one in four marriages are happy. Therefore, he concludes that 400 dates will produce four marriages, and only one of those marriages will be happy.
With such dismal odds, what are singles to do on the most romantic of holidays, the day when love is universal, love makes the world go round and love is in the air⢠If they follow Warren's advice, they'll be sitting at home, booting up the computer and looking for a compatible mate online.
It's not that he recommends hanging out in Internet chat rooms to find the love of your life. Such experiences usually are unsuccessful and often unsafe, he notes. Instead, Warren directs singles to his Web site, www.eharmony.com , where he says they will find the key to a lasting relationship.
"This society has such a hard time getting marriage right," he says. "Seventy percent of us have experienced a broken home, either from our parents' or our own failed marriages. If only we could get society to understand that it doesn't have to be that way. If you find somebody matched with you, you can have a perfect marriage."
Eharmony.com is not a dating service, he points out, but rather an "online relationship-building service." By completing a lengthy questionnaire, a person is matched to others who share the same interests and personality traits. For an average fee of $20 a month with a 12-month membership, his clients receive names of those who fit a profile similar to theirs and proceed to "meet" them through e-mail conversations and, eventually, face-to-face if they so choose.
With some 3,000 dating services making matches on the Internet, Warren maintains that his site "is the only service in the U.S. run by a psychologist." Launched on Aug. 22, 2000, the Web site has registered 192,000 people so far and has resulted in "a lot of engagements and marriages," he says.
So what's the difference between his service and the othersâ¢
"Eharmony relies on an in-depth survey and scientific matching technology," Warren says. Once a couple is "matched," eharmony "takes its service to the next level and guides matched individuals through a five-step communication process to assist them during the awkward 'getting-to-know-you' phase."
"This nonintimidating process allows users to become acquainted with each other from the inside out," he adds. "Eharmony brings together people who are looking not just for a date but for a long-term commitment."
Warren says he has done extensive research to develop what he calls the 29 Critical Matching Variables in selecting a mate.
"Selecting a marriage partner is the most important marital decision any person will ever make," he maintains. "When this decision is made well, with full regard for its complexity, marriages end up being satisfying a high percentage of the time. But when it is made too quickly, with too little information, even by well-meaning persons, the marriage will be tested — early and frequently."
Warren says he believes that if a couple is married, but the man and woman are poorly matched so they don't feel a "soul-mate" relationship, the marriage might last, but it will be unfulfilling for one or both of them. The psychologist says he interviewed about 5,000 married people to come up with factors that assure a happy marriage.
The factors, which he refers to as "the soul-mate equation," are qualities he feels one must have in common with his or her partner for the relationship to work. The No. 1 quality is "good character," as related to one's honesty. Other variables in Warren's Top 10 list include:
As for his own committed relationship, Warren says he and his wife have been happily married for 43 years. While not a believer in the phrase "love at first sight," he admits, "it happened for me. But most of the time it's all about appearance and externals. You're lucky if the other person also has energy, ambition and all the other recommended matching variables. I feel our marriage is good by luck."
Warren says he doesn't believe in the catch phrase "opposites attract," either. In fact, he adds his own words to complete the thought: "Opposites attract — and then they attack."
And what about the power of love⢠The psychologist replies, "Find someone to love who's a lot like you."
In other words, direct your attention to www.eharmony.com and fill out the questionnaire.
