I started working at a new job on the same day that one of my editors returned from maternity leave. It was her first baby, and I was betting from the start that she was not going to make it.
Sure enough, three months after she started back, she has given notice at work and will become a stay-at-home mom.
I'd love to say that I was intuitive enough to know by the look in her eye that she could hardly stand being away from her daughter. But actually, she told me that when I asked her how it was going. So, I did not have to be brilliant to guess her eventual decision.
Having made the same decision a few years ago, when my daughter Isabelle was 2 and my daughter Charlotte was 8 months old, I want to give this woman advice about the transition she will surely go through. I want to prepare her. But no amount of advice would truly prepare someone for the looking-glass trip she is about to make.
Even so, I've decided to give it a try, having learned the proud art of offering advice as the older sister to six siblings. Not that they listen to me.
First, indulge the fantasy. Do all the things that working moms dream about. Dress the baby with infinite care. Don't like the result⢠Take off the clothes and start over. Follow the baby's schedule. Get up late, if the baby does. Sleep when she sleeps. Then take her to the park - walk rather than drive - and swing her on the swing. Grind up fresh vegetables and meats for the baby's meals. Study her face and feet and hands for hours.
After a few days of this, a mom should find a playgroup, and a good one. The point is not that a 6-month-old needs social activity. The playgroup is for the parents. It is the social outlet that keeps stay-at-home parents from feeling too isolated. The isolation can be soul-shaking, especially for someone who has thrived in a room full of intelligent colleagues. Playgroups remind you that intelligent people often are pushing strollers.
These groups not only create a weekly outlet for sharing stray intelligent thoughts, but they are the very best source of grapevine information, for everything from the best baby music class to which kindergarten teachers have their act together.
I also would tell this mom not to expect the work world to welcome her back. I left one of the country's top newspapers, the Los Angeles Times, in pursuit of a family life. I have written for some excellent, smaller newspapers that allowed me more flexibility. That choice, though I would defend every minute of it, does not always play well with potential future employers. People, especially men, expect a career path to make sense. They expect an understandable upward trajectory. Without it, your resume might fall into the wrong hands: those of the cleaning staff emptying the trash.
Finally, I would tell this mom that her choice will mean that she will know her daughter better. I remember, in one of my many iterations of leaving work for home, that my eyes opened anew to the daughters I was living with. I didn't always see them clearly when I was away from them for long hours in a day. Once we spent every moment together, I began to see how Isabelle cracked a joke to mask her insecurity about finishing a task. I could tell that when Charlotte became belligerent, she was often just tired and needed tenderness.
I knew those things about my children in a vague way when I was with them for short hours in a day, but I knew them deeper once we spent all of our time together. The role of 24-7 mother was not always bliss, but we formed a deep bond that remains even now that I am back at full-time work. It seems to me that we can separate and still return to that deep connection.
Perhaps that is my final insight. Staying at home is isolating and sets parents back in their careers. But the time with a child, spit-up filled though it may be in the present, will pay dividends in the future.
To me, it is the best of investments.
