So Many Questions: Relationship tutor Todd Valentine says romance isn't dead
Todd Valentine is hardly what you'd call your average relationship expert. As the top executive coach of Real Social Dynamics Nation, his YouTube channel includes clips promoting basic skills, such as “How to improve your conversation skills,” “What to do after you get her number,” “How to get a girl to like you” and a handful of others not suitable for a family newspaper.
But the brutally honest approach he takes has but one goal in mind: to give the fellas a little bit of game.
Question: What three words would you use to describe the dating scene in 2015?
Answer: Technological. Jaded. Deeply hopeful.
Q: Is social media making us jaded?
A: Perhaps. I think it's just the amount of information and how fast people can gossip. And in a way, quick interactions online like Tinder and stuff, on one hand, they're an amazing opportunity; on the other hand, they are an opportunity for people to see a lot of positives very quickly and you see a lot of negatives very quickly. So, I think people tend to have more polarized views.
Q: If your approach is met with resistance, does pressing the matter have more to do with your fear of being rejected than it is about a true desire to get to know someone?
A: I wouldn't say that. My personal viewpoint is if someone gets to know me, they're probably going to like me. That's maybe a little arrogant, but it's born out of experience. And so, a lot of times, if someone gives you an initially negative reaction, they're not really reacting to you.
If you say two words to someone, and they're not completely interested, they're not reacting to you as a human being because they can't possibly know you as a human being that quickly. What they're really responding to is the tone of the voice, and the two words and the sort of mood they were in before they met you, that sort of thing.
So, if someone is clearly resenting you and they know you, it's clearly time to move on, and there's no room to pursue that. But if someone doesn't seem entirely positive after two words, you may want to give them a bigger sample and let them get to know you.
Q: Is the fear of loss what drives everything?
A: I wouldn't agree with that. I think that people, for the most part, are looking for something good. I think that most people are more romantic and positive than you would think. I mean, most guys that I get are probably a little bit awkward with girls. They really would like to find a girlfriend, and, ideally, a girlfriend they think they're not settling with. They really want someone that they have a real connection with.
Q: Is the idea of a romantic courtship not completely dead?
A: I think it's actually more alive than you might think. Most people see Hollywood movies and are raised on fairy tales, and I think most people do believe in a romantic courtship, at least to a certain point. But then, a lot of people do get — I don't want to say the word jaded again — but disillusioned on that, because when you go in with too much — sort of putting your heart out there and not having standards and if you make it too much about the other person and not about yourself at all — then you can get walked all over. Or, you can appear to be not as interesting, so people tend to get a few negative experiences, and, then, they lose that sort of romanticism.
Q: Exactly how many times have you gotten slapped in your lifetime?
A: Not that many, surprisingly! You would think it'd be more. I want to say, only three times. And the funny thing about it, two of the three ended up going home with me or with one of my students. So, when it did happen, it wasn't the worst thing in the world.
Details: valentinelife.com
Kate Benz is the social columnist for Trib Total Media and can be reached at kbenz@tribweb.com, 412-380-8515 or via Twitter @KateBenzTRIB.
