Mother's Day was last weekend, but it was on my mind as I was writing this.
One of Mom's phrases I most liked was: "It will all come out in the wash."
I don't know at what age she started saying it, she may have been quite young and long before I came along. But it fit her character in her elder years.
As I conclude this trilogy on childhood, the middle years and old age, I have to say I see the latter as a time of resignation.
"Resignation?" you say. "That's awful!".
I beg to differ.
Resignation is the openness of children with a sprinkle of wisdom. It manifests itself in an ability to stop taking life too seriously -- and it is about time in life to do it, too.
This is where we start to tie together our earliest years with our older ones.
The connection is evident: Grandparents and grandchildren have a special affinity. It is an unspoken understanding that all the fretting and worrying (things that mark those middle years ) is akin to stage acting. You know, "The whole world is a stage and each of us merely players."
The phrase that applies to our elder years is "lighten up." Children understand that instinctively and the old folks come to revisit it. If they don't they are likely to become cantankerous, but that is a topic for another time.
I often find that when the O'Hares get together as a family, I am often out on the porch or off on a walk with the granddaughters. It is not that I don't get along with the adults (I think I do), but I relish the complete innocence visible in childhood.
I have imagined with them: "OK, Pop Pop," one will say, "You be the dad and we're the kids and we want to go to the store and you say ..." And the make-believe goes on from there.
I have heard people make the argument, just for the sake of conversation, that adults should be able to retire sometime in their middle years and then go back to work in their senior years.
I don't buy that. I think we have worked hard to cultivate our ability to see clearly into the meaning and meaninglessness of things and now it is part of our comfort and it takes time to appreciate that.
Are we all wise, just because we are older?
Most would expect a "no" answer to that, but again I disagree. Wisdom is not the knowing of many facts or having special talents, nor is it always making the smartest decisions. To me, wisdom is that very acceptance about which I have been writing, that resignation and I hope we all get there before the end.
Now we don't want that resignation to turn negative.
My Dad was a pretty even-keel kind of guy during his lifetime, and it is late years living just meant being with Mom. But in the years after Mom suffered a minor stroke, Dad must have decided he wasn't going to allow her to go first, so he just slowed down until he took to his bed and wasn't going to get up. And he died.
That is a resignation of sorts, but not the kind I am talking about. We have to be strong enough to be resigned to some of the pains; that is a larger form of resignation and I am sure we all wonder if we can pull that off.
All of this might seem a bit extreme, maybe even idealistic, and there is no claim here to wisdom in the argument.
But that brings me to another point:
Another thing that happens in aging is that you are not afraid to make a fool of yourself. I dare say that I am even good at it.
Many years ago, when I took some acting classes, an instructors told us that being willing to make a fool of yourself with some frequency is a good thing for an actor.
Well, I never became an actor but I took the advice to heart. I think it is a good life lesson.
So when somebody asks me how I am doing these days, I often respond:
"I am trying to grow old gracefully, as they say, but the only part I seem to be getting right is the 'growing old' part."
Lastly, I think that even despite some diminished capacities that might come along -- in hearing, energy, flexibility, memory etc. -- our later years should be years of more intense awareness.
I wish everyone that.
And if we live in a society that does not respect its elders as it should, I think the best response is: "So what?"
