At this busy time of year, we salute those who were inspired enough to take pen in hand or fingertips to keyboards to create new lyrics for our second annual Twisted Carols Contest.
We asked you to compose your own words to a popular holiday tune.
And, once again, you've impressed us with your wit, your ability to rhyme under stress and your wacky range of subject matter.
We've sung odes to casinos, taxes and potholes. Hummed along to songs of Steelers, puppies and cats. We've empathized with cranky lyrics dedicated to irritated shoppers and laughed to the good-natured humor of electronic-game frustration.
Deborah Cordera of Natrona Heights takes the grand prize of a $100 music gift card, a rhyming dictionary and a pitch pipe for her clever mall shopping adventures to the tune of "Winter Wonderland."
Our two runners-up each will receive a $50 music gift card. Kate Bielak of Natrona Heights wins for her Route 28 driving woes sung to "Jingle Bells," and Charles Shiring of Lower Burrell takes a prize for his take on a search for the elusive Wii in "What Gift is This?"
Thanks once again for helping make our daily mail a source of enjoyment.
Now, settle the family around the Christmas tree and sing this year's Twisted Carols.
Christmas Shopping Wonderland(Tune: "Winter Wonderland")
Cell phones ring, are you listenin'Credit cards are a-glistenin'The parking lot's packedAnd bags we have stackedChristmas shopping at our hometown mall
Sales displayed in every windowLines are long wherever you goThey push and they shoveMusic plays from aboveChristmas shopping at our hometown mall
Later we'll be eating at the food courtPizza and the burgers look so niceWith all the noise and shoppers, it's a madhouseWe could be dining home at half the price
Finally home after hoursI just want to hit the showersThen curl up in the sackWhat! We're going back!Christmas shopping at our hometown mall
-- Deborah Cordera, Natrona Heights
What Gift is This?(Tune: "What Child is This?")
What gift is thisThat children craveAnd parents seek despairingly?Don't want Playstation Two or ThreeThey only want a Nintendo Wii
Refrain: Where, where's a Nintendo WiiI can't find one for the life of mePlease, please can you tell me
Where I can find a Nintendo WiiStore said, "Alas, we have sold allThat we got from the factoryAnd so we cannot grant your pleaWe do not have the Nintendo Wii
Refrain
And so I tried to Google itBut there were none that I could seeNot in the States or overseasFor no one has a Nintendo Wii
Refrain
-- Charles Shiring, Lower Burrell
Route 28(Tune: "Jingle Bells")
Dashing to the mallIn my gas-guzzling minivan.Over the snow I rideAvoiding pot holes if I can.
The mall is in my sight.The kids can hardly wait.But there it is the deadstopped traffic -- clogging 28!
Oh! Route 28, Route 28the project of the year!Route 28, Route 28the goal is not real clear.
Hey! Route 28, Route 28you are safe, I have no fearRoute 28, Route 28WAIT...who put those big rocks here?!
Swerving past a boulder,then braking with all my mightcause up ahead I see,the lane's closed on the right.
The cars they creep along.Penn Dot holds all the power.We've only got half a mile to go,we'll be there in an hour!
Oh! Route 28, Route 28the project of the year!Route 28, Route 28the goal is not real clear.
Hey! Route 28, Route 28you are safe, I have no fearRoute 28, Route 28WAIT...who put those big rocks here?!
HEY!
-- Kate Bielak, Natrona Heights
My Son Shot a Buck Today(Tune: "Hark! the Herald Angels Sing")
Hark the Dispatch I must say, my son shot his first buck today!Last year proved to be a bust, his uncle & Dad, they made a fuss!He shot the deer right in the neck,It fell down flat! It hit the deck!My son will no longer be, the butt of jokes in this family,Let's give him a great big hand, my son went from boy to man!
-- Kimberly Francart , Sarver
12 Days of Motherhood(Tune: "The Twelve Days of Christmas")
On the first day of motherhood my family gave to me -- a screeeeaming baby!On the second day of motherhood my family gave to me: two kids a fighten' ...On the third day of motherhood my family gave to me, three times the cookin' ...On the the fourth day of motherhood my family gave to me, four calling teachers ...On the fifth day of motherhood my family gave to me, five hours sleep! ...On the sixth day of motherhood my family gave to me, six TV's blaring ...On the seventh day of motherhood my family gave to me, seven rooms of cleaning ...On the eighth day of motherhood my family gave to me, eight bills of paying ...On the ninth day of motherhood my family gave to me, nine appointments scheduled ...On the tenth day of motherhood my family gave to me, 10 loads of laundry ...On the eleventh day of motherhood my family gave to me, 11 collections calling ...On the twelvth day of motherhood my family gave to me, twelve dirty diapers, eleven collections calling, ten loads of laundry, nine appointments scheduled, eight bills of paying, seven rooms of cleaning, six TV's blaring, Five hours sleep! four calling teachers, three times the cookin', two kids a fighten' and a screeeeaming baby!!!!!!!
-- Dawn Wyble, Lower Burrell
Deck the halls with leaves of catnip, Fa-la-la-la-la - la-la-la-la,And we cats can through the house skip, Fa-la-la-la-la - la-la-la-la,Now we all can have some pleasure, Fa-la-la - la-la-la - la-la-la,And our time together treasure, Fa-la-la-la-la - la-la-la-la. -- Darla Bernot , Ford City Frosty the Snow Cone(Tune: "Frosty the Snowman") Frosty the snow cone, was a chunky, icy treat,With a raspberry, cherry, and blueberry cap, he was fun to eat.Frosty the snow cone was a cool dude the children would say,He was made of frozen water and wrapped in white paper to stay.There must have been some magic in the way that he would freeze,For when your nose got close to him, you would start to sneeze.Old Frosty the snow cone, would sit proudly in the tray,The children would pick him up and take him on their way.Chompity, chomp, chomp Chompity, chomp, chomp,Look at Frosty the snow cone go.Chompity, chomp, chomp Chompity chomp, chomp,In my tummy he feels like cold snow.Frosty the snow cone, said he must hurry on his way,Without a freezer I'll be noting but a puddle of water today.So down the street he went, in a truck with a bell that would ring,The children followed close to him, because he was their favorite thing.Blueberry, cherry, orange, could you please add another squirt,When I try to eat Frosty to fast, he makes my forehead hurt.Chompity, chomp, chomp Chompity, chomp, chomp,Look at frosty the snow cone go,Chompity, chomp, chomp, Chompity, chomp, chomp,He's more fun than making an angel in the snow.Frosty the snow cone hurried back to his cold and special place,For he knew when it was very hot, he'd bring a smile to the children's face. -- Richard Kuhn, Freeport Here's your lunch(Tune: "Hark! the Herald Angels Sing") Here's your lunch I hope you're readyToday were having great spaghettiCover it with a steaming meat sauceAnd have a salad that's been tossedJoin your friends and have some funWatching Mr. Cartiff eat school baked bunsDrink your milk and eat some fruitIf you playing in the snow please wear your bootsThanks -- for -- bringing in your toys for totsHomeroom 208 sure brought in lots! -- Pete Schell at Freeport Junior High. Submitted by Shaun Cartiff, librarian at the school, who says Schnell sings a funny, personalized tune each day to announce the lunch menu during the morning TV show. Twelve Gifts of Pittsburgh(Tune: "The Twelve Days of Christmas") On the first day in Pittsburgh my best friend gave to me: a Port Authority riding passOn the second day in Pittsburgh my best friend gave to me: two Steeler's ticketsOn the third day in Pittsburgh my best friend gave to me: three rushing riversOn the fourth day in Pittsburgh my best friend gave to me: four pounds of JumboOn the fifth day in Pittsburgh my best friend gave to me: Five Super Bowl RingsOn the sixth day in Pittsburgh my best friend gave to me: six Oakland Zoo shirtsOn the seventh day in Pittsburgh my best friend gave to me: seven Roethlisberger jerseysOn the eighth day of Pittsburgh my best friend gave to me: eight Igloo shoot outsOn the ninth day of Pittsburgh my best friend gave to me: nine Pirate home runsOn the tenth day of Pittsburgh my best friend gave to me: 10 bottles of popOn the eleventh day of Pittsburgh my best friend gave to me: 11 football playersOn the twelfth day of Pittsburgh my best friend gave to me: 12 Iron Cities -- Jamey Belin, Leechburg See the Stores(Tune: "Deck the Halls") See the stores all decked and waitingFor the buyers to come inFlashing lights and high sales pitchBids us come and buy and make us richDoors unlocked and folks come rushing to get the best of all the salesAnd out comes plastic charge cards with no thought that would entailThen comes time to pay the piperAnd how my gosh, look what we spent!The gifts of joy and pleasure we had of givingMade for us the best Christmas yet.Fa la la la -- la la la la -- Ella Garland, Leechburg Troy Palamalu(Tune: "Frosty the Snowman") Troy Palamalu was a spiritual guy his fans say,With long black hair and sweet brown eyes, and a smile that melts your heart away.Troy Palamalu, is a fast man they sayHe's made of energy, and the fans all know that he came to Heinz Field to run for us.There must have been some magic in those football shoes he woreFor when he placed them on his feet, he began to run around!Oh, Troy Palamalu, was alive as he could be,And the fans all say he could run and run,And get those sacks so well.Running, run, run, run, running, run, run, run,Look at Polamalu go.Running, run, run, run, running, run run, run,Down the field he goes.Troy Polamalu knew the field was wet that day.So he said "let's run, and we'll have some fun before we kick the ball away."Down through the field, with the football in his hand.Running here and there , all around the field, saying "catch me if you can."He led the team down the big long field And they got a big touch downAnd he only paused a moment when he heard the fans holler "Troy!"For Troy, the football player, had to run on his way,Sayin' "I'll be back on this field for the touchdown of the day." -- Susan Keppel, Vandergrift Weasel the Brown-Nosed Office Clerk(Tune: "Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer") Weasel the brown-nosed office clerkHad a very dark noseAnd if you ever saw itYou would even say it grows!All of the other employeesLaughed and called him namesThey wouldn't let poor weaselJoin in any office gossipThen one office party dayThe manager came to say"Weasel with your brown nose wayWill you find out what is going on today?""Go stand by the water fountainListen to the scuttlebuttThen tell me what you hearAnd I'll keep you another year."Then the office personnelWise to weasel's waysSet him up with humorous "info"That only the boss would know!Oh what fun it was to seeWeasel's nose growAs it changed from brown in colorTo a deep, darker rose! -- Merle Potter, Apollo The 12 Cookies of Christmas (Tune: "The Twelve Days of Christmas") On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a large Ladylock in a bag.On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 2 Caramel Cups ...On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 3 Chocolate Cheesecakes ... On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 4 Lemon Squares ...On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 5 Gail's Ladylocks ...On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 6 Russian Tea Cakes ...On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 7 Pecan Tassies ...On the eight day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 8 mini Cheesecakes ...On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 9 little Nut Rolls ...On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 10 Sugar Cookies ...On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 11 Butterfingers ...On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 12 ChristmasThumbprints, 11 Butterfingers, 10 Sugar Cookies, 9 little Nut Rolls, 8 mini Cheesecakes, 7 Pecan Tassies, 6 Russian Tea Cakes, 5 Gail's Ladylocks, 4 Lemon Squares, 3 Chocolate Cheesecakes, 2 Caramel Cups and a large Ladylock in a bag. -- Gail Holm, Apollo What Christmastime Brings(Tune: "My Favorite Things") Paper that's tacky and cards that are mushyCars that go slipping on streets that are slushyLoud off-key carolers who just can't singThese are some of what Christmastime bringsNeon lights glaring from jewelry that's sillyMoon-flashing Santa toys giving me williesWaiting in fear for bills my mailman bringsThese are just some of what Christmastime bringsWhen my son smilesThen it's worthwhileAnd I can't be sadBecause that's the best of what Christmastime bringsAnd then I don't feel so badPleas for donations from near every quarterTips for news carriers, mailmen, and portersTake all my money, my butt's in a slingThese are just some of what Christmastime bringsTake son to parties, to songfests and meetingsTry to keep up with my sending out greetingsGetting stressed for these holiday flingsThese are just some of what Christmastime bringsWatching light gleamsSeeing crèche scenesHolding husband's handBecause that's the best of what Christmastime bringsWell, then I don't feel so bad -- Brenda Shaffer-Shiring, Lower Burrell We The Kings (The PHEAA Carol)(Tune: "We Three Kings") We the kings of higher-ed loans,Taking gifts is a skill we have honed.Greens fees, bar tabs, spas for our big fat abs,Deaf to poor parents' groans. Refrain: Oh........OH......Stars of plunder, stars of greed,Disregarding student need.While we're dining, moms are crying, College aid we do impede. Born a king on Harrisburg's planFreebies I take for personal gain.Junkets, wine lists, perks in my hot li'l fist,O're fi-nan-cial aid I reign. Refrain Ex-cuses to offer have I,Not my fault, I'm a regular guy.Parents endure --My wife⢠Got a pedicure,Lawmakers turn a blind eye. Refrain Thirty-four mil we owe to the feds.Can't deal now, we're feath'ring our beds.High school grads with stretched moms and dads,We romp while they rub their heads. Refrain Mirth is mine, I've no need for tears,I can afford my kid's next four years.Ethics, laws, they give me no pause cause weCover each others' rears. Refrain Applications hang on the fence, While we schmooze at taxpayer's expenses.Borrowing, sighing, Penn State hopes dying,Who cares⢠We love ex-tra-ve-gance! -- Jane C. Musala, Vandergrift The Rehab song(Tune: "Winter Wonderland") Sirens ring, are you listening?In my mirror the lights are glisteningA horrible sight, I'm busted tonightBlowing in the pbt again. Gone away are my licenseHere to stay are my chargesI'm headed for court, my money is shortIt looks like a prison sentence for me. From the jail I will go to rehabIn-patient will only work for meThey'll say are you sober and I'll say "Yeah man, doing the best I can." When I get outI'll go to meetings 12 Steps and no cheating. The New Year is here, and I'll drink no more beer,Rehab was the answer for me. (Please drink responsibly this holiday season from your local district court 33-3-03) -- Kim Robbins, Terry Rea and Tammy Martin of Leechburg district court Mrs. Flick the best teacher ever (Tune: "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer") You know Ms. Keeley, Mrs. Fryer, Mr. Danka and Mrs. Cechini. But do you recall the best of them all?Mrs. Flick the best teacher ever had a very smart class and if you ever saw them, you would even say they should be in 7th grade, and all the other teachers always say what a great class so Mrs. Flick the best teacher ever always laughed and said: "I know." But one cold foggy school day, Mr. Curchi came to say, Mrs. Flick with your class so smart, will you help me with this paper work, Mrs. Flick the best teacher ever, you'll go down in history! -- Brianna Bellante, Apollo Mr. Curci(Tune: "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer") You know Mrs. Fryer, Mrs. Flick, Mr. Danka, Ms. Rampson, but do you recall the most amazing principal of all:Mr. Curci is the greatest principalHad a very talented schoolMr. Barta was his helperHe helped make up the rulesThey kept the kids in orderAnd made us smile every day.Then one snowy school day,Mr. Curci came to sayMr. Barta with your skills so brightWon't you run the school tonightThen how the kids all loved himAs they shouted with joyMr. Curci and Mr. Barta, you'll go down in history. -- Tarah Baylor, Apollo Rufus the black-nosed Papillion(Tune: "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer") You know Fluffy, and Fuzzy, and Ginger and Abby, Morgan and Jack and George and Patty, but do you recall⢠The most famous puppy of all. Rufus the black-nosed Papillion, had a very smart mind, and all of the other animals always said he wasn't kind. They always said he was dumb as they laughed and pointed down their thumb. Then one sunny summer day, Lacey came to say, "Rufus with your mind so smart, won't you guide me to the park?" Then all the animals loved him, as they meowed and barked with glee. Rufus the smart-minded Papillion, you are coming home with me! -- Lacey Miller, Apollo Reason for the Season(Tune: "The Twelve Days of Christmas") On the 1st day of Christmas I hope my kids give me: that they know the Reason for this SeasonOn the 2nd day of Christmas I hope my kids give me: no name calling ...On the 3rd day of Christmas I hope my kids give me: clean bedrooms ...On the 4th day of Christmas I hope my kids give me: no back talking ...On the 5th day of Christmas I hope my kids give me: GIVE ME SOME RESPECT ...On the 6th day of Christmas I hope my kids give me: better grades in school ...On the 7th day of Christmas I hope my kids give me: emptying the dishwasher ...On the 8th day of Christmas I hope my kids give : sweeping without me asking ...On the 9th day of Christmas I hope my kids give me: putting their clothes away ...On the 10th day of Christmas I hope my kids give me: no lying to my face ...On the 11th day of Christmas I hope my kids give me: breakfast in bed ...On the 12 day of Christmas I hope my kids give me: a peaceful evening together, breakfast in bed, no lying to my face, putting their clothes away, sweeping without asking, emptying the dishwasher, better grades in school, GIVING ME SOME RESPECT, no back talking, clean bedrooms, no name calling and that they know the Reason for this Season -- Jamie Johnston, Apollo Please Run, Run, Run(Tune: "Little Drummer Boy") Don't buy it they told me, please run run run run,A piece of junk you see, please run run run run,My finest tools I bring, please run run run run,To try and fix this thing, please run run run run,run run run run, run run run run,So to repair him, please run run run run, Before AAA comes!Little F150, please run run run run,I'm getting poor from you, please run run run run,I have no parts to bring, please run run run run,That fits and fixes this thing, please run run run run,run run run run, run run run run,I shall work on thee, please run run run run, On my truck. Wrecker's coming, please run run run run,The boom and hitch kept time, please run run run run,I used my tools on him, please run run run run,I worked my best on him, please run run run run,run run run run, run run run run,Then he started for me, it run run run runs,Me and my truck. -- Mark Smith, Vandergrift It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Football(Tune: "It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas") It's beginning to look a lot like football channel 2, 11, and 4we tailgate at the game and after we remain to let the traffic clear a bit and review all the scoresI feel so lucky to be living near Pittsburgh, PA we have the greatest sports teams in the USAthe Steelers are great when they're hot but even when they're not we don't care we have the pride of knowing they're doing their fair sharethe Penguins are always awesome you really have to give them creditwin or lose we grin and bear it cause just skating on the ice is more than most of us could doThe Pirates have a lot of great players and I know just what they would saypitchers, shortstops, and batters, too, hey we've had our troubles, true but we'll go on to win the series on another dayoh we love all the players, every year more and moreit couldn't be fun and that's just how it's done on Pittsburgh's north shore the tailgating and lots more -- Sandra Lee Kubal Zimmerman, Leechburg
