Late in 2001, when Republican state Rep. Allan Egolf of Perry County introduced his bill requiring schoolchildren to recite the Pledge of Allegiance, some Pennsylvanians waved their collective flags in salute. Others trembled at the frightful thought of state-mandated patriotism.
For politicians from Harrisburg to Washington, D.C., the success of this bill only means one thing -- more lawmakers will try and latch on to Egolf's star-spangled coattails. In fact, an insider in Harrisburg slipped us some reportedly official leaks concerning bills to be introduced at an upcoming legislative session. Don't say you weren't warned.
Democratic state Sen. Joe Flagwaver of Bucks County has his sights on the fashion industry with his Uniformity-Conformity Bill. If it becomes law, Flagwaver's statute will make illegal the wearing of any clothing not dyed red, white or blue. "Americans are still free to mix and match these great colors any way they like," the senator has said. "And if they don't like it, well, try getting away with wearing anything you like in Afghanistan."
The Patriotic Music Act of 2003 will require all musical events, including concerts by rapper 50 Cent and rocker Marilyn Manson, to begin with a full brass band's rendition of John Phillip Sousa's "Stars and Stripes Forever." Noncompliance will result in forced repeated listenings to Kate Smith's "God Bless America" and Charlie Daniels' "God Bless America, Again."
The God Bless America Blanket Proposal will reach the State House this session. It proposes to cover every available vacant inch of the earth's surface -- including all that space currently taken up by free America Online 8.0 upgrade disks -- with stickers bearing this proud, chauvinistic slogan. God himself is said to be among the bill's sponsors.
Powerful lobbyists from the auto industry have forced the introduction of the Pollution Equals Patriotism Act, a sweeping law that would require all cars and light trucks to burn twice as much fuel as they currently do. Drivers opting for M-1 Abrams tanks and Humvees would be exempt.
The Muslim and Arab Detention Act is a law that would require all school students of Arab descent or any students caught worshipping Islam to be detained for 45 minutes after class each day. Those willing to adopt American-sounding names or give up their Korans for Bibles will be excused.
