I don't know what you're experiencing.
There certainly seems to be a lot of tension these days, though, that could be affecting our behaviors.
Whether this stems from the growing number of crises we hear about every day in the news, economic uncertainties or other factors, there's no question we're navigating some uncharted waters.
No wonder we lose perspective from time to time – even with the best intentions. My general nature is to be compassionate, trusting and give everyone the benefit of the doubt – until they show me otherwise. Lately, I've found myself being a little more guarded.
I don't like going against my core instincts. At times during the past year the pendulum has even swung too far the other way. I still look to “take the high road,” thinking things will work out in the end. Our intention is what's important. There's definitely a balance, though, and that's what can be tricky.
Therapist and author Martha Beck cites clients who took a “high road” approach with difficult people in their lives. For example, Yvette stayed politely silent when a coworker, Fred, brazenly stole her ideas. Janae cleaned up pizza boxes and drinking glasses left by her college-age daughter, Emily, as complacently as she'd once changed Emily's dirty diapers. And Cynthia and Rob's romance was based on lots of give and take. Cynthia gave – back rubs, compliments, gifts – and Rob took full advantage without ever reciprocating.
These examples don't describe the high road. Rather, they depict a grim, well-trod path that leads from aggressive to passive, through long, horrible stretches of passive-aggressive. The real high road requires something quite different: the courage to know and follow your own truth.
If anyone in your life is exploiting your courtesy and goodwill, you may want to take a closer look. Rather than tolerance and abiding love, Beck explains that the behavior is likely based more on fear: fear of anger, of conflict, of losing control or emotional abandonment. So, we resort to ORC behavior: opaque, reactive and closed.
For example, when Fred stole Yvette's ideas, her silence didn't come from inner peace, but from a fear that speaking up would ruin her reputation as “team player.” Or – one of my favorites, “Maybe they won't like me if I do that.”
Janae didn't realize her real reason for catering to her daughter was to keep Emily from wanting to move out – which would cause her to have to face her own dread of living in an empty next. Cynthia was unconscious of her fear that Rob would leave her unless she constantly fulfilled his every wish. Yikes! When this opaque behavior disengages us from our inner truth, we stop acting on our own desires and become purely reactive instead – focused not on what we want but on what others will think, say or do.
It's not always easy to tell if we're in ORC territory, though. Here are some red flags. Red flag number one: a tendency among the people around you to become increasingly selfish, exploitative and unfair. Red flag number two: a growing disconnect between your own feelings and your actions – directly proportionate to how badly you're being treated and how far you've managed to stray from the truth. Take a look at the following chart to gauge how feelings and actions can escalate over time if not held in check – leading to obsessive thoughts.
Feelings and actions
• Disturbed – You easily brush aside your feelings and continue your nice, polite behavior.
• Displaced – You appear cooperative around the offender, still pushing away resistant feelings, but now fussing grumpily to yourself or to others.
• Hurt – You may actually increase niceness to hide the fact that you're feeling seriously wronged.
• Resentful – the offender's misdeeds begin to occupy more and more of your attention. Complaining about him or her becomes a daily pastime.
• Seething – the offender's bad behavior becomes a central feature of your thinking. You complain constantly to others. And despite controlled “niceness,” you seek to undermine him or her with passive-aggressive strategies like the silent treatment, backhanded compliments and gossip.
• Homicidal – You daydream about thrashing the offender. You have knots in your stomach and can't sleep. You're irritable and depressed . You may occasionally lash out at loved ones in what appears to be irrational rage.
If you recognize yourself anywhere on this chart, you may want to reflect on one of my favorite quotes by author Anais Nin. “We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are.
You can reset your GPS and take the high road, while still standing up for your own principles. Remember: we teach people how to treat us.
Linda Arnold, M.A., M.B.A., is a psychological counselor, certified wellness instructor and syndicated columnist. Reader comments are welcome and may be directed to Linda at livelifefully@arnoldagency.com.
