It was the day before Thanksgiving, and Darlene McIntosh was looking at the clock. Her daughter, Sheryl Burkhart, was a half-hour late in picking up her and her son, Steve Swartz, to start their trip to Charlotte, N.C., to visit another daughter, Cynthia. "I knew something was wrong," McIntosh recalled, so she asked Swartz to run out to Burkhart's apartment. The door was ajar. He found his sister, 33, in her bedroom, dead from a gunshot wound to the head. Lying beside her was her estranged husband, Barry Burkhart, 46, who had killed himself. McIntosh, 56, never saw it coming, despite the years of mental abuse her daughter endured. "I always question myself," she said. "She'd say, 'He would never hurt me, Mom.' But I feel like I could have done more. ... Now they're both gone." Her story is not a new one. The Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence estimates that 63 women died as a result of domestic violence last year -- 53 of them killed by a current or former intimate partner. And the violence continues this year. In May, Edward Allen Belch was accused of ramming his pickup into a motorcycle carrying his ex-girlfriend, Terri Lynn Gresko, and her boyfriend, Thomas D. Myers, killing both. Earlier this month, Pamela Scheib was critically injured after her estranged husband, Gregory, choked her. He later jumped to his death off the Westinghouse Bridge in North Versailles. She had filed for divorce in June. Just yesterday, a police officer in Northumberland County fatally shot his estranged wife at the hospital where she worked, police said. Tina Curran, 31, of Mt. Carmel, was shot several times by Bernville police Officer Richard C. Curran, 31, of Shamokin, who fled and remained at large last night, authorities said. When people hear about violent relationships, the common response is to question why the victim just doesn't leave, said Grace Coleman, executive director of Crisis Center North, a domestic violence and counseling center in the North Hills. But it often is when a woman makes the decision to leave her abuser that the danger increases, Coleman said. While the stories of abuse might be different, the patterns of abusers are similar. "It's pretty classic," said Janet Scott, associate director of the Women's Center and Shelter of Greater Pittsburgh. "Almost every abuser has the majority of the characteristics. I've never met an abuser who wasn't jealous, possessive or controlling." Scott calls it pattern with a purpose -- and the ultimate purpose is to control the victim. Sheryl Burkhart's relationship with Barry seemed to start out well, McIntosh said. "I think she liked the attention he gave her," she said. "She used to call him her Tom Cruise." Soon that attention turned into patterns of isolation and control. He kept her away from her friends and tried to isolate her from family. His behavior soon escalated. In one instance, McIntosh said he took a baseball bat to her belongings, destroying cherished photographs and other possessions. "He didn't hit her, but he destroyed everything she had," McIntosh said. "I don't know if she even realized it was abuse, because it wasn't physical. It was mental. People don't think of that as being abused." McIntosh said in the final six months of her daughter's life, Sheryl Burkhart had been trying to distance herself from Barry. She had found a new set of friends, she had a new apartment and was looking forward to the family's Thanksgiving trip to Charlotte. Sheryl Burkhart filed a second protection-from-abuse order against Barry in March 2004 in which she wrote that he had left dozens of threatening messages on her answering machine, telling her, "If you think you're leaving me, you're wrong. I'll kill you before I let you go." He called Sheryl's friends and told them to stay away from her. When she spotted Barry Burkhart on her way to work, she told McIntosh, she had to make sure she had her wedding ring on. Through it all, Sheryl Burkhart told her mother not to worry -- she said Barry would never hurt her. Assessing whether batterers will kill Threats of homicide or suicide Fantasies of homicide or suicide Depression Weapons Obsessiveness about partner or family Centrality of the intimate partner Rage Alcohol or other drug consumption Pet abuse Access to the battered partner and/or relatives Source: Women's Center & Shelter of Greater Pittsburgh Why do they stay? She loves her husband. She may think that she alone can help him to quit battering, may believe that he is sick or a victim of forces outside himself. Her husband threatens to kill her, to kill others and/or to kill himself if she leaves. Economics: She doubts that she can make it alone financially. She will have no "home." She wants to protect the image of her husband and the family. Even though he abuses her, he is her only support system. She is convinced he will change. She fears living alone. She came out of an abusive home, so a violent marriage is natural to her. She blames herself and believes the battering will stop if she improves or stops making mistakes. She stays because of the children. Any father is better than no father. She has low self-esteem. She has no place to go. Often friends and family are not helpful. He isn't always brutal. After a violent episode, the husband often is contrite, pleads for forgiveness, promises it will never happen again, and for a while behaves like a model husband or father. Source: Crisis Center North Additional Information:

Where to go for help

Alle-Kiski Area HOPE Center: hopecenter.faithweb.com /; 1-888-299-4673, 724-224-4673 or 724-339-4673 Crisis Center North: 412-364-5556 Womansplace: 412-678-4616 Women's Center & Shelter of Greater Pittsburgh: www.wcspittsburgh.org ; 412-687-8005 or 1-877-338-TALK

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